Trying To Be Strong
by SVUlover4015
Summary: Olivia Benson is suffering underneath, but on the outside, she refuses to show it, she hates showing her vulnerability. After being abducted, she struggles to survive in the squad room and to survive herself. Can she accept the support that comes to her? *please review!
1. Chapter 1: Attempt

"Trying to be Strong"

She kept staring into the oblivion of her stack of cases. Olivia was still on "desk duty", while Fin, Rollins, and Amaro were out picking up suspects from a previous heist earlier that week. Suddenly, Olivia felt a darkness over power her.

_**She was back in that chair, duct taped, tied, with cigarette burns**_._ She woke up wondering what the hell had happened when she was out. She saw Lewis, hovering over her with a whiskey bottle and her gun. Her gun, he had gotten a hold of it. As she observed his eyes, she knew she had to at least w_arn him.

_"I'm a NYPD Detective; my partner, my squad, the entire department will hunt you down. You think you put people through hell? It will rain down on you."_

**_Olivia saw the lifeless eyes of her abductor. She knew he would try to do what he did to those other women. She squirmed, but weakened from the lack of sleep for trying to put this guy behind bars._**

_"You know what? Let it rain"_

"Liv, Liv, Olivia!" Captain Cragen said

He knew she was suffering from another flashback, it had been two months since her attack, she'd showed up to work one day with chin length hair, rather then her brown curly shoulder length hair. He assumed she had done it herself, because it wasn't perfect. Nothing was perfect. Nothing ever was. Especially now, Olivia knew she was in a deep hole. He knew she wanted to be the same, but she couldn't recover quickly, even though she was trying so hard.

"Huh, what?" Olivia said gasping for air suddenly

She turned red at the moment of the squad room and Captain staring at her.

"I'm sorry, I was just-"  
"Olivia, my office?" Captain said reassuring her by putting his hand on her shoulder

Olivia shivered at the touch of Don's hand, she was still jumpy and uncomfortable from Lewis. He had taken away this comfortable response to Don. Cragen is like a father to her, obviously growing up without a father, he really was there for her, personally. She got up from her desk, accidentally knocking over the stack of files on the floor.

"Crap." She said as she started picking up the files

"Hey! Let me get that!" Fin suddenly showed up out of no where

"Okay, thanks" Olivia said quickly, slightly frightened by the surprise

She walked into Cragen's office, noticing the squad was back when she closed the door.

"Olivia, I've noticed-"

"Save it Captain, I know, you see me out there, staring into oblivion, wondering." Olivia said interrupting.

"Well, you got that right, I'm just worried about you being able to handle the job."  
"I know I can, it's just that-"

"That you can't get the flashbacks out of your mind?" Cragen said with a bold voice

Olivia looked down, with tears in her eyes. She looked up.

"Yes.."  
"Take some time in the cribs, I'll make sure nobody disturbs you."  
"Alright, thanks."

Olivia headed for the door.

"And Olivia?" Cragen said with his hands in his pockets

"Yes?" Olivia responded stopping at the exit  
"Take as much time as you need."

"Thank you captain."

Olivia walked towards her desk, grabbing her cell phone.

"Hey Liv, where you going?" Fun suddenly asked  
"I'm just going to take some time in the cribs, be out in a while"  
"Okay."

As Olivia walked towards the cribs, the whole squad room seemed to stare at her. She walked to the cribs, as if it was endless getting there. She finally reached the door, entered ,and closed the door behind her. She sat on the bed farthest away from the door. She felt uncomfortable being in a bed alone, especially now, since Lewis had invaded so much of her life. Putting her arms on top of her stomach, she drifted in and out of consciousness, hearing only _"let it rain"_, inside her head until she finally fell unconscious.


	2. Chapter 2: Karma

As Olivia lay silent asleep in the cribs, the squad room was lifeless without the bright demeanor from Liv. Liv was the heart of SVU. She kept everybody glued together, and without being in the right state of mind, SVU's squad room was falling apart at every moment. Olivia was suffering from her PTSD, her nightmares, the stares, the scars, and especially the mental scars that are left with her today.

Nick sat at his desk, which was connected across from Olivia's. He noticed that her desk was messy, her drawers were left open, and her purse was left under the desk, with contents on the floor. Nick got up and started to organize her desk. He closed the drawers. Then he picked up the contents of her purse. He noticed that she had oxycodone in her purse, a pain medicine for the healing injuries she had, he assumed.

**"HELP, NOOOOOO, LET ME GO."** **Olivia screamed kicking in her sleep  
Olivia fought Lewis with the box cutter in his hands, he was cutting her shirt off. She felt so humiliated that she couldn't do a thing about it. She was handcuffed. She was ****_vulnerable_****.  
"Please, please don't." Olivia cried**

"_OLIVIA!_" Nick screamed as he came into the cribs door  
_**She didn't wake up as he held her legs down from getting kicked. **_  
Fin came in telling Nick to take his hands off her, it was making the nightmare worse.

_"Liv, its Fin, your alright, I am here to protect you, your safe"_ he said in a calm voice as Nick watched in awe at how Olivia slowly woke up with fresh tears in her eyes.  
Olivia held onto Fin as tightly as possible, leaving bloody scratch marks trailing down his arms. She came out of the nightmare staring at Nick and Fin staring at her. The **_stares_**. She hated it so much, she felt so vulnerable not able to fight back from the nightmares and the flashbacks that came over her, controlling her.

"I'm sorry.." Olivia stared off at the scratches she had made in Fin's arms.

"It's okay, just relax, I'll get you some water."

"Thanks" she said as Fin walked out.

Nick felt a bang of guilt from causing the nightmare to be worse. He held her legs down to prevent her from kicking, but she didn't know it was him. She thought it was Lewis. Nick left the room walking out towards his desk.

-**Olivia's POV**-  
_Why did I have to have this stupid nightmare. Why did I have to cause the whole squad to fall apart. I felt stupid. The fact that Lewis is still in my head has given me so much intimidation that I can't focus, sleep, eat, dress, or do anything without looking at myself and saying "look what he did to you." I sat up from the bed, and I felt the bile come up from my empty stomach, I ran out of the room past Fin, Amanda, and Captain. The whole squad room was silent at me. Staring._

-**SVU**-  
"_Liv_!" Amanda said as she dashed into the women's bathroom.  
She heard the door slam and her wrenching sounds of crying and vomiting. Tears came to her eyes seeing Liv in so much distress.

"Captain, I think she needs to go home." Amanda asked Cap

"She has nowhere to go, that apartment isn't home anymore, its _torture_."

"I'm sorry, I forgot." Amanda said being quiet

"Nick! Call Brian and tell him Liv needs to be picked up and go home for a couple of days." Captain said with a bold voice  
"Alright" Nick said as he dialed the phone

"Cassidy." Brian picked up

"Hey, it's Nick, uh, Liv is breaking down slowly, you need to pick her up, she's staying from work for a couple of days."

"Be there in 10" Brian said as he hung up

Amanda walked into the bathroom, slowly approaching Olivia. Olivia was hunched over the bathroom toilet, red in the face, lifeless in the eyes.  
"Olivia? Brian is coming to get you." She said smoothly  
"Brian? You called him?"

Amanda gulped.  
"Yes, we had to, you can work like this, you need to stay home for a while."

"I already have!" Olivia said with her voice raising.

_** "I am tired of being stared at, being asked if I'm okay, clearly I'm not, but I need to do this job, it's my world, it's what keeps me going!"**_ Olivia screamed

"Liv, we are trying to help you, we see that you need to still recover, that's why we called-"

_"__**RECOVER!? I don't think I'll ever be able to recover**__._" Olivia said finally bursting out in tears

Olivia fell into Amanda's arms crying, and Amanda just stood there looking at how Liv was so tired. She wiped her tears off, and after ten minutes, Liv came outside. She quickly walked over to her purse, grabbed her cell, and walked to Brian coming out of the elevator.

"Brian! Can we go?" She asked pleading with her giant eyes glazed over with tears.  
"Okay, let's go" he said, putting his hand on here arm.

After the elevator door closed, Fin, Rollins, Nick and Captain stared at each other, sighing, and walking back to each of their desks.

Out of nowhere, Munch walked in with a grin on his face that suddenly dropped to a frown.  
"What did I miss this time?"  
"_Olivia's painful breakdown_." Fin said as he looked down at his desk.


	3. Chapter 3: Help me

"What did I miss?" Munch said fading off staring at Olivia's empty desk  
_"Olivia's painful breakdown."_ Fin said  
"What happened?" Munch said  
"You know the usual Munch, Lewis has taken a control of her life, she can't concentrate she can't work, she can't recover." Nick said with anger in his voice while getting up

_**"All of you! In my office, NOW.**_" Cragen roared from across the room

Fin, Munch, Rollins, and Nick all went into Cragen's office all knowing it was regarding Olivia.  
Fin and Nick stood with their arms crossed, and Rollins and Munch leaned on the chairs that awaited Cragen's desk.  
_**"We all know that Olivia is spiraling down a hole." Captain said  
"I need us all to let Olivia alone, and I think Brian can handle for her days off."**_  
"But Captain, maybe-" Nick started to say

_"That's an order!_" Captained said raising his voice  
"All of you. Go home, get some rest." Captain said

Everybody headed home, and Nick grabbed his jacket and noticed that Olivia left her jacket.

-Nick POV-  
_I don't know, maybe I should give this to Olivia. I really want to talk about the incident of the legs. I just want to talk to her._

-SVU-  
Nick grabbed his keys and walked down to the squad car he was assigned with Olivia.

He opened up the sun visor to prevent from being blinded, a photo of him and Zara fell out. Next, he opened Olivia's sun visor, a picture of her and Elliot was on the visor. Nick drove up to Brian's apartment seeing there was a light on.

-knock-

Olivia jumped at the sound of the door while being half asleep. Brian was out getting take out. She slowly walked towards her door, not having her gun near her, she grabbed a pot, and opened the door, forgetting there was a peep hole.

"_Woah_." Nick said with his hands up

"I'm sorry Nick, just a little jumpy, why are you here?"

"To talk about the situation in the cribs, I need to tell you something."

"Oh...okay, come in." Olivia said reddening from the humiliation she felt.

"Your nightmare, tell me about it, we're partners, friends, anything, I need myself to know that I can protect you and help you through this."

"Nick... I-I-" Olivia said, with her eyes tearing up

"Please, this is a way to help you cope, telling somebody can help."

"Not all the time Nick.."

"Please, I need to tell you something afterwards."

Olivia gave in, grabbing some water and sitting back on the couch wrapping a blanket around herself as much as possible.

"I was having a nightmare, about Lewis..."

Nick stared down, noticing Olivia had entwined her fingers in his.

"He was...he was cutting my shirt off and I couldn't move, he was... Holding my legs down when he starting cutting off my..."

"Olivia,_ I was holding your legs down_, to prevent you from kicking me. I just made the nightmare worse. I made you feel _vulnerable_."

"Nick, it's okay, it's just that you tried to help, you just didn't know how. I really appreciate the help, but **I just don't feel like I can handle the world anymore, I can't even handle getting dressed seeing the scars**."

"Liv, I promise, it can get better."

"I always say that to the victims, but now, I am one." Olivia said crying

"I want you to see this" Olivia said slightly pulling her sweats down to her hip.

**_It was her badge engraved into her skin, burned into her skin, the numbers 4015 went through her skin, Lewis, that sick asshole had done this to her. He knew about the burns, the broken bones, the mental scars, not this one, not all of her story._**

"I-I, he did that to you?"

"Yes. I still am trying to heal, it's just hard right now, and I think that being at work isn't the best for me, I'm going to take all this time I have to be able to come back to work and to function."

"That's why I came here, I wanted to tell you that I made your nightmare worse, I wasn't able to help you, but right now I'm asking you how I can help."

"_You can help by letting me heal on my own_, I will ask you if I need help. I promise. Thank you."

Nick gave Olivia a long hug and he left and Olivia laid on the couch, sitting there staring at the door. Brian came in and noticed her mood had changed a bit. She was in a lighter mood.

"Hey Liv."  
"Hey Bri, missed you"

Brian put the takeout on the kitchen counter and sat next to Olivia unsure if kissing her would be uncomfortable. He kissed her and she let him. _The road to recovery was slowly taking time. It was processing. Her squad was helping her, and she finally let them help her. Maybe the support was helping her road to recovery._


	4. Chapter 4: Reflection

Chapter 4  
Reflection

(Sorry for the delay, I had an emergency, enjoy!)  
_**"Looking at the reflections of myself Without a mirror, I see someone else"**_  
-"hear me" by Jeanie Ortega

Olivia stood there in the mirror for more then two hours. She stared at the scars on her body. All she wore was a black tank top and black pants. She stood there trying to understand why she looked at herself this way. She couldn't accept the fact it was herself.  
_**"I'm talking, I'm pleading I need you to understand me"**_ Olivia said to herself.  
Brian woke up to the bathroom light on. He felt the weight of the bed to be lighter than he anticipated when he had gone to sleep. He got up slowly walking over to the edge of the bed. He noticed Olivia in the bathroom through the mirror that hung on the wall. Watching her stare at her reflection made his heart ache wondering what she could be thinking about.

_-Olivia's POV_-

**Standing there in front of the mirror, it made her dizzy. Why am I always so weak when it comes to everything? Am I really this weak? Am I really this vulnerable. I noticed the pills I was prescribed. Oxycodone. Wonder if it would work for the mental pain. I grabbed the water and a pill. Drinking the water and swallowing the pill was all I could do until my legs gave out from underneath me. Black engulfed me.**

Brian heard a thump and noticed Olivia was no longer standing in front of the mirror. He ran towards the door and saw Olivia lying on the ground, looking cold, sweaty and tired as hell.

"Olivia, babe, please wake up!" He said desperately as he shook her hand

Olivia's mind only went to auto mode, she was having a flashback, she felt the shaking, but her eyes could open, she tried talking, but only sputters of words came out. Suddenly, Olivia's eyes flashed open.

"Brian, I'm sorry, I just-." She said barely able to whisper  
"What happened? Do we need to go the hospital?!"  
"No, it's okay, I just was so tired and fainted I guess."  
"Well alright, are you hurt in anyway?"  
"No." Olivia replied quickly but the mental pain was still there

"Damn pill" she whispered  
"What did you say?" Brian responded

"I'm alright, just help me up, I'll get some rest ." Olivia said as she reached her hand out

"Brian, I had a flashback..."

"What, is this how it started?" He said with a crack in his voice  
His voice pleaded with her to tell him why.

"It was the shaking. I felt the shaking while someone touched me."

"Liv, that was me trying to wake you up, I'm sorry."

"It's fine, I just wish this shit would be over already!" She said as he pulled her up to his height, she was about 5,9 while Brian being 6,2.

She questioned why she was still with him while she had to cope with this. She was grateful that he was still here. Olivia walked to bed and feeling tipsy, she fell onto the bed. She drifted off to sleep.

**BEEP-BEEP-BEEP**.  
"UGGH! Liv, time to wake up." Brian said as he reached over her and slammed the alarm clock to its off button.

"Damn it, I have a session today." She said groggily.

"Shit, I have patrol today down in Times Square." Brian said

_"How am I gonna get there..."_ Olivia said inside her head.

"It's okay, I'll find a way down there." Olivia said

"Alright, you sure?" Brian said softly

"Positive." Olivia said.

Brian left, and Liv sat alone eating breakfast. Orange juice and toast was all she could eat hoping it wouldn't turn her stomach. She picked up her cell phone and dialed Cragen.

"Cragen." answered by himself, he was surprised it was Liv.

"Liv! Nice to hear from you. Why ya calling?"

"Brian went to work, and I uh, have a session with Dr. Lindstrom. I was hoping that maybe-"

"Drive you? Course." He said with a happiness in his voice  
"

Thank you." She said as she pressed the end button on the screen of her phone

Cragen pulled up in front of the apartment. Olivia would come out any moment.

**-Olivia POV**-  
_Walking down the stairs to meet Cragen is hell enough. Especially when I was seen last time in the one six. All I did was pull a sweatshirt over my shirt and walked out. I opened the door to the entrance of the apartment building and a blast of cold air hit me. _

"Hey Don, I really appreciate the help." She said as she opened the door and closed it behind her.

_Don is like a father to me, in fact I think he really is my father. No physically, but being there for me is just great. I should be able to trust him with anything._

"Don, maybe we can talk on the way down there." She said gently putting her hand on Don's.

"Sure thing Liv. I'm always here for you."

Cragen started the car up and went to an open lane. Liv started speaking when they hit a red light.

"I woke up in the middle of the night. I stood in the bathroom for a while and stared at myself wondering why I couldn't understand." Olivia said

"Understand?" Cragen said as he stared at her until he pushed the gas to go

"Understand why I'm like this. Afterwards I thought the mental pain could go away if I took some oxycodone. I took a pill, and my legs gave out underneath me." She said with a break in her voice

"Did you take an extra on accident possibly?"

"No. I guess I was just so tired and I couldn't stand anymore. Brian had to held me up and I went back to bed. I told him I had a flashback when he started shaking my hand to wake me up."

"Liv, I'm glad your able to talk about this. Being able to talk about this-"

"-Can help you heal, yeah, I've heard it before." Olivia said slightly smirking

"Alright, just making sure. Glad to see you. I'll wait right here until your session is over and I can drive you back." He said reassuringly

"Alright. Thank you." She said

Olivia walked up to the session room and sat down. She held her left wrist as Dr. Lindstrom asked her "How are you?"

"Been better. I had a breakdown at work, got sent home for a couple a days, and last night I fainted from stress."

"What triggered the break down at work?"

"I woke up in nightmare and I ran to the bathroom and just broke down crying and puking."

"What was that nightmare about?"

_"Lewis. _He was cutting my shirt off and my pants until I woke up."

"How did you wake up?"

"Nick, my partner was shaking me but Fin told him to stop because it made it worse, and I woke up, rand out and went to the bathroom. Then I was picked up by Brian."

"After that, when you went home, did you get some sleep?" Dr. Lindstrom asked

"Tried to you could say." Olivia said slightly smirking with tears in her eyes

" When you woke up, what happened?"

"I went to the bathroom and stared at my self in the mirror, wondering why I couldn't understand myself anymore. I took a pill for pain, hoping it would stop my mental pain. I passed out and Brian shook me and I woke up, then I went back to sleep."

"What happened when he shook you?"

"A flashback."

"Did you talk to him about it?"

"Actually, yes, and with my captain, Don. He drove me over here since Brian couldn't."

"Olivia, your doing good so far. Your being able to tell yourself, me, and your friends about your experiences. That's a step up from where you were last time."  
"

Thank you. See you next week."

Olivia walked out of the door and into Cragen's car.

"You know what Don, _I think this is actually working._ I'm starting to find myself in my new reflection. It's helping. All I need to do is to relax and focus on recovering."

_**"Liv, I know it will be hard, but being able to say that just makes you stronger each time. Your doing good Liv. Doing good."**_


	5. Chapter 5: Reason

Chapter 5  
_**Reason**_

*WARNING: possible trigger effects of self harm, take responsibility for what you read or don't read at all. Thank you. Don't forget to follow or review!*

(updating as fast as I can!)

Olivia woke up in the morning with Brian wrapped around her arm. She laid in the bed quietly. Dressed in his shirt, she felt a warmth of safety around her. It was Saturday. It had been two days. She was desperate for SVU. She needed to return. That job was her life line. She couldn't live without it. Grabbing her phone across from Brian, she went into the closet, grabbed a loose fitting long sleeve shirt, and put on her normal work pants. She ate a bagel and left Brian a note.

_Brian,  
I've been thinking for so long now. My life is revolving around Special victims unit. I may be one, but I believe helping other victims has made me strong. And being able to handle returning to SVU will be hard. Today is the day though. I'm going to return to work and I'm going to enjoy coming back. Thank you for supporting me. See you after work. Love you.  
Liv_

Grabbing a coat and her keys, she forgot she didn't have her squad car. Walking could work. "_What if...ignore that, let's just walk down there without being invaded by thoughts of Lewis."_

Olivia walked down to the one six smiling when she walked through the door of the SVU precinct.

_"I'm back!"_ Liv said with excitement in her voice  
"Liv! Great to see you again, we've all missed our greatest of SVU." Munch said

Seeing Munch, Rollins, Fin and the entire squad room surrounding somebody, Captain wondered. He was in a meeting with Nick. They looked out at the crowd noticing Liv was behind the crowd. They stared at each other. Liv was smiling like her normal self.

"_Think she's ready Cap?_" Nick asked with a slight smirk on his face  
"I think she is."

The squad room was quiet when Captain emerged from his office.  
"Good to have you back Liv." Cap said with a smile on his face  
"Thank you."

Nick's radio signaled in from the other side of the room. Nick grabbed his radio listening.

"Cap, got a case, 21 year old assaulted in a bar last night, drugged."

"Nick, go with Rollins while Munch and Fin question the bartender." Cap said leaving Olivia out of the conversation.

"Captain! I'll go with Rollins and Nick." Liv said with a slightly pleading voice

"Alright, Rollins, Fin, head down to the squad car, have to do something before you can go." Cap said

"Liv" he said pulling her to the side guiding her to his office

_"I can handle this. I've never been more ready."_ She said with a strong voice.

"Okay then, I'm glad your back. Now go." He said pulling open a drawer giving her a gun and temporary badge.

"Thank you." Was what she said with her eyes, she was too excited to go and do her job again.

_Heading down to their squad car, Olivia looked down at her badge number, it wasn't the usual 4015 number, of course it wouldn't be, her badge was being held as evidence, but she enjoyed the presence of a badge and gun on her waistband._

"Ready Liv?" Nick said  
"Ready as I'll ever be" she said with a smile in her face.

**_"Its been months since I've felt a real smile on my face. I'm actually happy. Here I am, back to my job, doing what I always do. I can't believe it. "_**

Arriving at the Mercy Hospital, they entered the door all walking in sync.

"Hi, we're detectives with the Manhattan Special Victims Unit, we're here about an assault on Sarah Ashland?" Nick said flashing his badge

"Yes, she's down in the ER getting stitches, I'll send you guys in." She said pressing a button to a door that led to doctors running back and forth screaming across the room, code red, code blue, all sorts of everyday things.

"Rollins and I can talk to her Nick."

"You sure?" was all Nick asked with his eyes towards Liv. She met with his eyes telling him not to worry. I'm okay was what she could say with her emotions.

"Okay. I'll wait." He said

They entered the private room where Sarah was awake turning her head.

She saw a brunette woman around forty five or so wearing a loose long sleeve shirt, and she saw a young long haired blonde woman around thirty three or so.

"Who are you?" She asked

"Detectives with the Manhattan Special Victims Unit" Amanda said

"I'm detective Benson, and this is detective Rollins."  
"Yeah and I'm Sarah." She said with an annoyed attitude toward them

" We came to ask you about the man that assaulted you." Rollins said

" Okay, go ahead."

" Where were you when you were attacked?" Rollins asked

" I was at O' Malley's bar on 34th street having a drink."

"What happened?"

"I went to the bathroom for a few minutes and returned and starting drinking my shot of vodka when I noticed something weird."

_Vodka, Olivia hated the word so much, she had practically been drowned in it by Lewis._

"What was weird about it?"

"This man, around 34 or so, Caucasian, brown hair, dark eyes, he was staring at me from across the bar, I started getting dizzy when he came over to and caught me before I fell on the floor. I was drifting in and out of consciousness when I woke up in an alley with him..."

"Then what happened ?" Rollins asked

Olivia wasn't asking questions she could only listen, she wondered about this girl, she looked like hell.

Her eyes were sunken in to black sockets, her hair was a mess, and her clothing was torn to shreds, barely covering her arms, legs, and torso.

"Then..then... "

**BEEP BEEEPPP BEEEP  
"CODE RED IN ICU ROOM 34!"** A voice said over PDA.  
Doctors and nurses rushed in from nowhere closing the curtain behind them while Rollins and Benson were escorted out of the room.

"What's happening?" Olivia asked the nurse outside

"She's seizing from stress and her wounds." She said

"When can we see her?"

"After she is stabilized."

"Alright then." Olivia said gazing down at the floor

When Sarah was finally stable, Rollins walked towards the door before being stopped by Nick.

"Let Liv try asking her this time." He said softly

"What if she-" she said

"She came back didn't she? It's her job. Let her." He said with slight anger in his voice

"Liv, go in there and see if you can get it out of her." Nick said alerting Olivia who was sitting in a chair staring out the window.

"Okay, be back in a few." Liv replied

"Hi Sarah." She said walking in

"I've had enough if you people! Get out." Sarah replied harshly  
"Sarah, please, we need to know who did this to you."

"I can't, I'm just too tired of living right now, I'm exhausted, sick of everything."

Olivia noticed the scars on her wrist when Sarah moved her gown to adjust her self from the IV she was attached to.

"Sarah, do you self harm?" Olivia said softly

"What?" Sarah replied suddenly covering up her arm

_**"Sarah, listen to me, hiding everything doesn't always work. Trust me, it only backfires."**_ Olivia said placing her hand on top of Sarah's.

"But nobody even cares. I don't want to even breathe anymore. I wake up and ask God why am I still here, why am I so worthless?"

"Sarah, look at me. There is always a reason. God made you for a reason. He wants you to live and stay strong." Olivia said tightening her grip on Sarah's hand.

"But what if-"

"_**Reason**_. _Sarah. There is a reason to keep going. My reason is because my life revolves around helping others get better. Find your reason. Right now, your reason is to keep on going. Everyone's reason is to keep going. But now, you need to believe that. Trust me, it will get better."_

"Okay. I think understand why I have to keep going." Sarah said with tears in her eyes

"What's that?" Olivia said with tears glazed over her eyes

"I have to keep going because you said it can get better , you've been through a lot, I can see, and look how your able to keep going with your job, your life, everything. That's all I want, _**a reason to live.**_"


	6. Chapter 6: Advancing

Chapter 6  
Advancing

_" Oh,you can't hear me cry  
See my dreams all die  
From where you're standing  
On your own.  
It's so quiet here  
And I feel so cold  
This house no longer  
Feels like home._

_Ben Cocks - So Cold Lyrics_

Olivia walked out of the room with a stride in her step. After all these months, she was helping others again. She was helping herself and others heal. Being able to walk in the one six was hard enough, but it really felt like the best place for her.

"Nick, I got the story out of her."  
"Great, I'll call Munch and Fin, they'll get some answers."  
"Let's go" Rollins said with a smile on her face.  
"Hold on, I need to tell Sarah something." Olivia said smiling

Walking into the room, she saw Sarah look up at her.

"Olivia! I really want to thank you for helping me out of this mess."

"It's my job Sarah. I do this job to help victims."

"You really did help though."

"I'm glad Sarah, here's my card, and call me anytime if you need me."

"Thank you Olivia." Sarah said softly

Walking down the corridors with Nick and Amanda, Liv felt a spark.

_Lewis had caused her heart to be torn apart. She was left alone to cry. Being able to understand was the hard part. Getting through this mess, this healing, everything. There was nothing easy about this. by helping victims, she regained some of her old life. Sure she looked different, physically, mentally, appearance wise, she felt different. Some days she felt like her body give out. Other days she was happy but the happy emotions were destroyed by memories of Lewis form everyday objects, actions, words. _

They got into the car. It was silent on the way back. Getting out of the car first, Liv walked up the stairs instead of the elevator. Rollins and Nick took the elevator assuming she wanted to be alone. Being able to come back to an environment and to survive off of it was an adaption to Olivia. The last time she entered the interrogation room was when Lewis was being questioned. He had looked at Olivia up and down, examining her way of thinking, finding her weaknesses. The beast had gotten what he wanted. _At least what Olivia thought. _

_She still had secrets to hide_. Secrets that wouldn't be told, hopefully for the best. Olivia wanted to forget the scars, the beating, the assault,everything. She hadn't talked to anybody about it in detail, not even her therapist. She didn't even know the half of it. Blacking out for hours at a time, Lewis could of done anything to her and she wasn't aware of it.

Walking up the stairs, she turned the corner to everyone working, like it was back to normal. It was always normal for them. For Olivia, it wasn't. It was tough enough sitting back in the squad room without being stared at enough, but she couldn't just sit there all day. She had to do something.

"Olivia, " someone said behind Olivia

A familiar voice. Who was it she said as she was still in her thinking mode.

Brian. It was Brian. One of her lifelines, she was glad to see him. He walked towards her and they both hugged each other lingering for a minute or two.

"Aww." The squad room slightly whispered

"Brian, you got my note?"

"Sure did, glad your back on the job." He said smiling as her noticed the gun and badge securely fastened to her waistband.

"I am too." Olivia said

"Are you off yet? I have some plans for us tonight."

Olivia looked at Cap, he nodded and Olivia smiled.

"Yea, I'm ready." She said grabbing her cell phone and jacket from her desk

"Alright then, let's go." Brian said softly grabbing her hand

Walking towards the elevator, Brian pulled Liv into a tight hug. Noticing his nice gesture, she accepted it willingly. She took in his smell, noticing the ashy smell. She loved Brian. She could stay in his arms forever. They released each other walking hand in hand into the elevator. Olivia enjoyed these little moments. Especially with the ones she loved.

She enjoyed every second with Brian. She remembered fourteen years ago, they had that one night. The one night stand when they were both drunk. She woke up to her pager calling her to SVU. She had kissed him goodbye and he had told her it was great. She knew in her mind it was wrong. She told him not to get used to it. Back at work, her and Brian played cat and dog all day. Brian would try to get a hold of her and she tried to walk away.

Eventually, Brian surprised her and asked her out again. _"No. That was a mistake, Brian" _was all she said to him. After fourteen years, he had returned, and she had these feelings for him. They were strong and she knew she liked him. The night when she was running down the block with her hands up preventing a shooting, Brian was shot. She stayed by his side the entire time. During his recovery, she had told him she wasn't the same person she was thirteen years ago. That started a true relationship and she knew she was in the right place.

Driving home to silence in the car, they pulled to a halt in front of Brian's apartment. Walking upstairs, he dropped the keys on the table grabbing Olivia into his arms kissing her forehead and holding her for a solid five minutes. _**Olivia was finally happy. **_

"Liv, I have a surprise." He said

"Brian, you don't have-"

Brian went to the back room pulling out a long velvet hand sized box.

"Olivia, close your eyes."

He pulled a gorgeous diamond necklace with fifteen diamonds surrounding the chain. Before letting Olivia open her eyes, he gently put it on her, moving her hair from her neck, he placed it on her. He held her hand , taking her to the back room , in front of the mirror.

"Open your eyes."

Olivia gasped at the necklace

"Thank you Brian, what's the special occasion?"

"Count how many diamonds are on the chain."

"One, two,...fifteen?"

"Exactly, fifteen for?" Brian said, trying to lead her into a sentence

"Oh my God, I forgot. It's been fifteen years since I started at SVU."

"Yup, and it's been fifteen years since we first met."

"Yes, but it's only been a year of us." Olivia said smiling

"I love you." Was wall Brian could muster out of his mouth

"I love you too." Olivia said

"Olivia, we're going to have fun tonight, going out to somewhere special."

"Okay then!" She said slightly laughing

" I'll go find something to wear." She said

After ten minutes of trying to find a dress that would cover her arms and legs, she was stumped. She had nothing that would cover the impeding scars that Lewis had left her.

"Uh Brian?"  
"Yea Liv?"  
"Help me find something to wear."  
"Alright." He said getting up from the couch

"Woah," was all he could say with the stack of dresses on the bed  
"I know, sorry." She said  
"How about this one, it is my favorite on you." He said winking as he pulled out a black sleeveless fitting body form dress.

Olivia stared down at the ground. She wanted to wear it but was afraid of her scars showing, she still wore long sleeves to work, afraid of the scars showing.

"Liv, just for once, try being happy with something different. Maybe it will help you out of your comfort zone."

"Fine" she said smiling softly at him knowing she loved him too much to say no

Olivia went to the bathroom, she still changed in there, afraid to undress in front of a Brian, she still had the four inch scars on her back. She had burns, scars, cuts, anything she saw that didn't fit in, she didn't like. She knew she had to though. She fitted the dress on staring at the scars going down her arms and shoulders. Especially the one on the right side of her chest. Only a little showed, it was part of a key shape. A burn. It was faded, but to Olivia, it looked like completely noticeable. She walked out of the room where Brian was astounded by the beauty that was in front of him.

"I knew why I like that dress on you." He said smiling

"Thanks" she said grabbing a long sleeve jacket from the closet

Olivia out on a pair of nude platforms that made her equal in height to Brian. She loved these shoes. Her feet were practically the only thing that wasn't covered in scars, burns, or cuts. Walking out of the door together, Brian got a cab, treating themselves to a long drive through Central Park. They pulled up to the most common restaurant and bar that the one six always had special events at.

"Bamonte's? You didn't have to" Olivia said stepping out of the car grabbing Brian's hand that awaited her.

"I had to, I know it's one of your favorites."

Olivia adjusted the jacket on her arms and stared at Brian. He looked at her telling her to be brave. She took off the jacket allowing the scars to be shown. She felt awkward in a sense of being stared at. They walked in, and before she knew it, Olivia was greeted by Cragen, Munch, Amaro, Rollins, Fin, and the entire one six in front of her.

"**SURPRISE! Welcome back! Happy fifteen years!"** Everyone screamed  
"You set me up Brian." She said laughing softly as Fin approached her, hugging her.

"It was their ideal the party, but everything else, I meant it. I still do." He replied  
"Okay, then let's have some fun." She said

They approached the bar where Amanda and Nick leaned on the bar staring at them with a soft look in their eyes. Amanda noticed right away that Olivia was wearing a dress she used to wear a lot. It was short sleeved, and she saw the scars on Olivia's arms. She tried to take her eyes off of the scar in her chest, a burn in the shape of a key, was what she could make out of it, only a part of it was exposed. Nick had noticed too. He stared down at his feet.

"Brian, bud light?" Olivia quickly asked as she noticed stares

"Yea, thanks" Brian said walking up to Nick and Rollins

Amanda looked around making sure Liv wasn't around to hear.

"How's she doing?" She asked softly

"Good-I think, you know Liv, don't ask, don't tell" he said

"We both know she didn't want to wear that dress." Nick said with a hard look in his eye

"It was hard enough coaxing her to look at it. I told her she looked beautiful no matter what. Plus, it's my favorite dress on her." Brian responded

Amanda laughed at the joke Brian had made. Nick smiles softly as Olivia approached them handing the beer to Brian.

"Thanks you guys. I couldn't be any more surprised right now." Olivia said

"We're just glad your back Liv." Nick said

At the end of the night, everyone went home after a welcome back celebration of dinner, cake, and drinks.  
Olivia and Brian went home. They opened the door to their bedroom and Olivia looked at Brian softly.

"Thanks for helping me with my outfit. I actually liked wearing it."  
"I'm glad." He said falling on the bed in exhaustion

Olivia slowly took her shoes off and sat on the bed.

"Unzip me?" She said softly

Olivia hadn't gotten undressed in front of Brian since before the attack. She felt different today, she knew it would help. She wanted to start back again.  
Brian unzipped her dress and she got up slowly taking off the dress exposing her back where her bra strap covered a multitude of scars. She quickly undressed and changed into his shirt and some sweats.

Olivia had gotten to the point where she was able to talk about her flashbacks, and now she could show others her scars. Out of love, Brian had helped her gently peel back the vulnerability she felt. It was working. _**Olivia Benson, a victim, a friend, a sister, family, a cop, a beloved girlfriend had finally started to grow strong.**_

_******PLEASE leave reviews, I would like ideas, and how you think of the story. please leave your opinions below. Tell me what you think of it.******_

_**Updates are late in the day due to school. Weekends will be earlier. Thank you.**_


	7. Chapter 7: Secrets Revealed

Chapter 7:  
_Secrets Revealed_

Walking into the squad room for the second day in my row made Olivia happier. Each day ever since she started, she would walk into the squad room, see the smiling faces around her, and she smiled too. It had been three months since the brutal attack. Olivia had progressed from helpless to strong, and back into the hole of helplessness again.

Once she was supported by her closest family, her squad, her boyfriend, everybody knew she was improving slowly. It was two months until trial. That bastard, Lewis, she would still have to see him. It wasn't as if she was haunted by him enough. He had caused so much damage in her life. Even years back, she was reminded of Lowell Harris sometimes, but now that Lewis brought himself into her life, those thoughts rushed into her mind.

Walking in at 9:00am with her jacket in hand, she walked up to her desk, sat down, and sat there for five minutes before A.D.A. Barba came in.

"Hey Liv, how you doing?" He said with a concerned look on his face  
"I'm okay, why are you here, shouldn't you be getting the case ready for trial?"

Liv said with a break in her voice

" Yes, but I need to piece some last key statements together to get a solid hold against Lewis."

"So you want me to answer some questions?" She said hesitantly wondering about the _secrets_ that would be exposed sooner or later

"Yes, mind if we talk in the cribs?" He asked softly  
"Alright."

-**SVU**-

Nick, Rollins, Fin, Munch, and Captain walked in with coffee in their hands, all going to their own desks.

"Cap, where's Olivia? Her stuff is here, she isn't." Amanda said walking into the office

"She's probably puttering around here somewhere."  
"Alright."

Amanda started walked towards the bathroom, looking around, and she stabbed at the door to the cribs, standing behind the closed door, she stopped in her tracks.

-**CRIBS**-  
"Okay, Olivia, its time to tell the entire event, I know... There's details left out... but tell me more about the time he had you in the safe house." Barba said

Olivia gulped.

"We arrived at the safe house. He took me through the door and into a bedroom. He threw me on the mattress face first, and I turned over expecting the worst. I glared at a bathroom behind him, he had been forcing alcohol down my throat the whole time I was with him. I couldn't talk, so he eventually got the idea that I had to go..."

Olivia paused.

"Go on Liv."

"He picked me up violently around the waist, kissing me."

"He wouldn't let go of me. When he dragged me to the bathroom, I was thankful that he wouldn't come in, but I was cuffed, but... He then came in with me."

"At anytime at all, did he uncuff you?" Barba asked

"No."

"Continue"

"When we were in there, I couldn't wait any longer. I had to ask him to pull my pants down, which I knew would expose so much, all what he wanted , he wanted to humiliate me, everything."

"Then he made his way down to my belt buckle, tracing the cigar burns towards my midsection. He unclipped it, and then he took my underwear off."

She started to tear up.

"I went to the bathroom. He wouldn't put the clothing on me again, he just stared, I was at the point of breaking down. That's when he grabbed me, and forced me on the floor, he..."

"Liv, it's alright."

"All I know is that, I don't ever want to touch that gun again."

-**SVU**-

Amanda was shocked at the conversation she had just heard. She finally knew what happened to Liv, the most vulnerable parts of her were exposed. Amanda walked away from the cribs door, and she walked in the main area where all the fuss was.

"What wrong Amanda, looks like you've seen a ghost." Fin asked

"I just found out where Liv was, and she's talking to Barba making last statements before trial."

"Why do you seem worried then?"

"Because, I found out something she never told anybody about."

The entire squad room seemed to have been quiet at the certain moment. Amanda stared at Fin, while Nick and Munch had turned to the commotion.

"Nick, Fin, Amanda, and Munch, my office." Cragen said out of nowhere

-**OFFICE**-  
"What's all this stir about?" He asked

Amanda stepped up. With shortness in breath she said

_"I just heard Liv say that Lewis raped her with her own gun." _

The office was dead silent. At this precise moment, Barba and Liv had seemed to appear at the office door together. Olivia noticed the familiar stares. She noticed that all of her friends stared at her. She was feeling squished.

"Olivia, come in" Captain said with a distant look on his face along with the entire office


	8. Chapter 8: Home

Chapter 8: _Home_

**_"I just heard Liv say that Lewis raped her with her own gun."_**

_Why did I have to feel like SVU was no longer my home. Why do I have to feel so closed up now. My thoughts race through my heads every day saying why am I still here. I should have worked harder to get Lewis behind bars. Why. Why. Why. All they see me is a victim. No longer the "Benson" they knew. I can't stand alone anymore. It only hurts more and more._

Olivia and Barba entered the office being peered down by Cragen and her friends she called family.

"Liv." Amanda said walking towards her

"I think its time we've told them Liv." Barba implied softly putting his arm around Liv's waist

Olivia stared at everybody with cold eyes. They couldn't keep contact with her trying to tell everybody her secret had kept for three months until today. Now was her time to tell it. Hoping it would put Lewis away for life.

"I didn't tell this earlier in my statement after I was rescued." Olivia said with a strong voice

"I didn't tell them because I was too humiliated enough. I couldn't handle it. Today, I still can't. "

At that moment the office was dead silent.

_Cragen had started fumbling with the papers on his desk  
Fin had started down at the floor the past few minutes  
Munch looked at Barba trying to analyze his emotions  
Amanda was pacing back and forth  
Barba held tight to Benson's hand  
Nick was in the corner staring out the window_

_"Lewis raped me with my own gun when I was in the bathroom._" She said practically letting out a huge breath from her statement

It was an awkward moment in the room until Nick broke the silence. Everyone had filed out of the room except for Liv, Cragen, Barba, and Nick.

"Liv, now that we have new statements, you do realize you'll be called in to answer questions for the trial." Barba said

"I do realize that, and I do realize I messed up-" Olivia said slightly breaking her voice down

_"Liv! You did NOT mess anything up. It's not your fault. Nothing was your fault."_ Cragen said walking over to her putting his hand on her shoulder

"_Liv, I know how much you've been struggling, I've been trying to help, I want to try and help now, but with all this coming out, could you help us with one thing?_" Nick asked softly trying to hold his emotions in

"What could I possibly be able to help you with, I break down every second of the day. It's a miracle I'm still here."

"All we want you to do is ask us for help. For anything. Any time." Nick said

"Alright, I think I can do that." She said smiling softly

Nick and a Barba left the room leaving Cragen and Olivia. Olivia looked down and suddenly Cragen pulled his arms around her in a deep hug. His hugs were like a big teddy bear's. She was finally feeling close to home. SVU was her only home. **_When she was young she had been abused by her drunk mother. All her mother could say to her was that it was Olivia's fault for ruining her life. Olivia was the product of rape. Then she told her mother she was engaged, but her mother had came at her with a glass bottle and Olivia had to defend herself. Eventually, she ran away and her life in the police force came to be. All to her, SVU was her only home. She willingly accepted it._**

_Cragen was her father figure. Nick was her baby brother practically. Elliot had been her soul mate for life. They were best friends, sister or brothers. Whatever they wanted it to be. After he had left, Olivia was broken. Being able to accept Nick was hard, but she took the chance. Munch was like an uncle to her, the funny uncle. He always cheered the squad up at the toughest times. Fin was her closest companion. She was able to tell him anything and everything. She was able to tell him about Harris any problem she had, she would come to him. Fin would even offer to beat up any guy that broke her heart. Amanda was the baby sister for her, Amanda looked up to Liv. Amanda asked Liv for advice. Liv had always looked at Amanda reminding her that was her when she first joined SVU._

_Brian. Brian was her boyfriend. She could come home to somebody and say goodnight to. Olivia was getting up there in years to be a mother, to get married, anything, she'd always doubt anything would happen. The only thing missing from her life was a motherly figure. Nothing could replace the mother she had grown up with. One second, her mother was nice, and then she was drunk hating on Olivia._

She was right. _SVU was her only home_. She couldn't leave. Cragen and Olivia released each other. Nick came towards her putting his hand out.

Olivia took it and grabbed Nick gently pulling him towards her. She whispered in his ear "thank you."

Walking out of the office all together, the squad room was all together and Liv was walking out to her desk.

"Anybody want a drink?" She suddenly said  
"It's on me." Olivia said

"I'll go for it!" Munch willingly said

"Munch, seriously..." Fin said

"Hey, she's offering it, might as well take it!" Munch responded

The squad room laughed at Munch's comment. Fin and Rollins shrugged at each other, nodding. Nick joined in along. He got up holding Olivia's coat for her, she put her arms in smiling at Nick.

"Hey Cragen!" Fin said from across the room

"We're all going for a drink, care to come with us?"

"You all know I'm clean, maybe a soda for me, let's go." He said softly chuckling

Leaving the squad room, they all headed for Bamonte's...

_**" I know I will survive."**_Olivia thought


	9. Chapter 9: Holiday Nightmare

Chapter 9:  
_Holiday nightmare_

In Bamonte's, the crew relaxed sitting at the nearest table to the spectacular view of NYC, they were given the best seat in the house along the balcony. Sitting down first, Olivia started to look down at the menu for drinks. Captain sat down next to her. Nick sat to the other side of her. Olivia sat between two of her closest family. Across from her, Rollins, Fin, and Munch sat down.

"Why don't we just get a bottle of wine?"

"Wow Liv, treating us a bit much." Captain said

"I want to thank you for all the support you've been giving me."

"If you insist, mam? Bottle of wine?" Munch said flagging down a waitress

"Red or white guys?" Liv said clutching the menu to her chest

"White? Is that okay for all of you?" The waitress said

"Sure, thank you." Liv said

"How's living with Brian, heard you moved in with him last week." Rollins said

"You wouldn't believe how many shirts the man has!" Liv said laughing

"You can just winnow them down one at a time, he won't notice." Rollins responded

Munch and Fin laughed at the joke.

"Amanda, mind coming to the ladies room with me?" Liv said softly getting up from her chair  
"Course, be back in a bit." Rollins said towards Munch, Fin, Nick, and Cap.

Liv walked towards the corner of the restaurant with Amanda behind her. Liv opened the door and Amanda followed. Olivia entered one of the stalls andAmanda stayed near the sinks. After Liv washed her hands, she looked at Amanda.

"Thank you. Thank for that time in the stalls at the one six. You helped me through the worst. I just wanted you to know that." Olivia said with a serious look in her eye

"Your welcome Liv, I'm just glad I can help."

They pulled each other into a long embrace and exited the bathroom. The one had arrived and Cap was pouring it into the wine glasses. Liv and Amanda sat and Captain raised his glass.

"To Olivia, to the new year, to the precinct!" He said happily  
"Cheers!" Everyone said clanking glasses to each other

Olivia leaned her head on Nick's shoulder gently putting her arm around his shoulder hugging him slightly. She sipped her wine with the luscious nude lips she always naturally had. Once they finished, they stepped outside only to be surprised by the snow fall on their shoulders.

"Oh come on, I just got this coat, and it wasn't made for snow!" Munch complained

"Shut up Munch." Nick said along with Fin and Cap

Amanda and Liv laughed. Fin pulled the squad car up assuring everybody could eventually fit in it again the way they had came.

"Six of us, there's five seats, looks like one of us is sitting on someone." Nick said

"I'll walk, I like the snow." Olivia said softly

"I think I will too." Munch joined in

"Alright then, meet you there, try not to ruin your coat.." Amanda said jokingly  
Cap, Nick, Fin, and Amanda sat in the car driving past Olivia and Munch. Nick watched Munch put his arm around Olivia's shoulder. Olivia smiled at the gesture. About twenty minutes later, Munch and Olivia entered the squad room looking like they were hit by a snow plow. They had snow all over them.

"What in the world happened to you two?" Fin said

"Snowball fight that Munch started." Liv said brushing snow off  
"Typical." Fin said laughing at Munch

Olivia sat down at her desk looking at the clock, noticing it was seven thirty.

"I'm going home for tonight, see you guys in the morning." Olivia said

"Alright see you." Nick said hugging her before she left  
Olivia left the precinct going to their new apartment unlocking the door. She entered the apartment when Brian woke up from the couch.

"What the heck are you watching?" Olivia said seeing a chick flick on the tv

"Hey! Don't blame me, just got this tv installed, the stations aren't ready yet so this was all that was on." Brian explained smiling

"Fine then..." Olivia said hesitating

"You going to bed?" Brian asked

"Yep, we just went to Bamonte's and got some wine, I'm wiped out. Munch and I walked back to the precinct and he started throwing snowballs at me." Olivia said

"Alright then, night" he said getting up kissing her on the cheek.

Olivia woke up to Brian making coffee. She walked into the kitchen kissing Brian. She took his glass of coffee sipping from it, she smiled. Walking back into the bedroom, she dressed in a short sleeve shirt, placing her gun and badge on her waistband.

"Bye Brian, see ya, love you." She said hugged him

Olivia walked into the precinct sitting down in her desk noticing the Christmas decorations were up in the precinct. It was December 21st, almost Christmas. She hadn't had time to shop, she was too busy being back at SVU. Sitting down in her office chair, she noticed an envelope addressed to her by her nickname.

"Liv". Opening it she read the letter with distain staring at it.

_Hey Liv.  
Thought you beat me to hell enough? Looks like I'm still haunting you in your dreams, your job, your life. Even all those scars on your body remind you of me. That's what I wanted. Remember the time you went to the bathroom? Enjoyed that huh? Too bad we you didn't get to see the real show before your little cop friends arrived. Don't worry, I'll get my time eventually in court. See you then. Happy holidays.  
_

_Lewis _

Olivia stared at the letter, her hands shaking. She walked out of the precinct, getting in her car, slamming on the gas.

-**SVU**-

Nick walked to his desk across from Olivia's. It was a scattered mess with a letter on top of it that was bent up. He walked over to the desk slowly, noticing a pen name addressed as "_Lewis_". He grabbed the letter walked towards Captains office.

"Cap, we have a situation." Nick said interrupting a meeting with the IAB

"What is it?"

"Lewis, he sent this letter to Liv." Nick said giving it to Captain  
Captain talked out of the room alerting his squad.

"Fin, Munch, head down to the lot and check if Liv's squad car is there."

" Nick, and Rollins, track down her car making sure she doesn't do anything stupid."

"Cap! Her car is gone." Munch and Fin said running through the hallway

"Just found her car, it's down at the the bridge!" Rollins said quickly  
They all hurried out of the squad room running towards their cars. They met up at the Brooklyn bridge. Olivia's car was under the bridge, the drivers door open.

"Where the hell could she be to abandon her car?!" Captain said

"Cap! Her car is facing Riker's Island. Lewis is there." Fin said breathing heavily

"Hurry." Cap said with everybody retreating into cars towards Rikers.


	10. Chapter 10: Standing Down

Chapter 10:  
_Standing Down_

Olivia entered Riker's island pushing through a crowd. She stopped at the glass box the security guard was behind. She was filled with anger, hate, and sadness. She knocked at the glass door where a man answered.

"Yes, detective?" He said with a glance

"I'm here to visit Lewis Williams." She said with slight anger in her voice

"Go right in, cell block C, down the hall to your left, the cell block is there. Cell 201. He has his own cell."

"Alright. Thank you."

The security guard wasn't allowed to let people with weapons in unless they were cops or detectives visiting prisoners for possible lawyer visits or making deals for court.

**-SVU-**  
"Cap, what do you think she could be doing?" Rollins asked nervously in their squad car

"Who knows, since she's a cop, she can take her weapons in, but they don't allow victims in of the prisoners, as far as we know, the prison guard doesn't know that Liv is Lewis's victim." Captain responded

"_Do you think she would actually use it?_" Rollins asked

" I honestly don't know. She hasn't been in the right state of mind, but right now, we have to protect her from hurting herself and Lewis."  
They blasted through the intersection with sirens wailing towards Riker's.

-**RIKERS**-

Storming past the doors into cell block C, Olivia made her way towards cell 201.

"**YOU**!" She screamed lunging at the bars towards Lewis passed out in the bed  
Lewis woke up from his sleep.

He looked happy for stupid reason. He knew he would get out of this again. He smiled at the woman lunging towards him at the bars. No security guards were around. Yet.

"Playing hard to get huh?" Lewis said

"YOU" she said with her hands holding onto the bars for support from passing out

It had been months since Lewis had her at his power. She could still feel the clammy hands on her. She hadn't stood up to Lewis, she planned to in court, but ever since the letter arrived, she was furious.

"Like the letter I sent you? _Liv_." He said with a calm voice smiling

At this point she started to kick the cell door.

-**SVU**-  
The squad ran into Riker's.

"Sir! Have you seen a cop with short brown hair, black shirt, black pants, looks like this." Nick said showing the picture of Olivia in uniform to the security guard

Olivia had long brown hair then, before she cut it.

"Yes. She just went to see Lewis Williams. Cell block C, cell 201." He said

"Thank you." They said rushing towards cell block C.

They entered the cell block noticing that Liv was holding Lewis collar through the bars screaming at him.

_**"YOU RUINED MY DAMN LIFE. LOOK WHAT THE HELL YOU HAVE DONE TO ME. IT MAKES YOU HAPPY DOESNT IT?"**_ She suddenly broke down crying letting go of him

Nick and Fin held her arms dragging her away from the cell as she kicked and screamed.

"_NO! He RAPED ME_." She said with the words echoing in the halls as tears poured down her cheeks.

Lewis looked at her smiling and laughing.

"I've defeated you Liv! LOOK WHAT IVE DONE TO YOU." He said as Liv was dragged out of the cell block by Nick and Fin. Cap and Rollins stayed behind

"LEWIS. Your going to pay for this in court." Rollins said

"She's the one that came in here attacking me!" He said

"No. Your the one that made her break. It wasn't her fault. It's yours." Captain said walking away

-**OUTSIDE**-  
All Olivia could do was struggle against Nick and Fins hands. They suddenly pulled her into a hug. She was quiet... She couldn't do this anymore. She wanted to give up.

***NEW CHAPTER TODAY OR TOMORROW. PLEASE BE PATIENT. I HAVE FINALS BUT IM WORKING HARD, TOMORROW WILL BE A LONG CHAPTER HOPEFULLY, PUBLISH IT AFTER NOON.* please review and comment.**


	11. Chapter 11: Thoughts

Chapter 11:  
Thoughts

*please review!*

**"I know its hard when your falling down, it's a long way down, but you gotta get up."**

"_She wanted to give up_."

Thoughts ran through Olivia's head.

_I could of killed him. Why didn't I when I had the chance. NO. He would get away with this. Again. Except he'd be dead. How the hell did I manage to get my ass down here and see that disgusting beast again? Was it out of anger or retaliation?_

***Knock***

Olivia was in the back seat of the four door squad car. She sat there with her head resting on the back of the passengers seat. Her hands ran through her hair a million times. The knock alerted her to open the door. It was locked. _LOCKED?! She thought. Only criminals get locked in the car. She was being held as a criminal, not a cop, nor a victim. She was the victim. _

"Olivia, we locked the doors for precautions." Captain said staring into the window at Olivia's patchy red face.

"Precautions? What hell is this? Am I a criminal or a cop? Maybe a victim, that's what you guys think." She said through the bulletproof glass.

"Olivia, just stay in there for ten minutes and we can go." Captain said  
He took the squad to a nearby patio off the side of Riker's. They all stood with hands in their pockets staring at the car as Olivia burst into tears in front of them. They turned around and let Olivia be.

"How in the hell is she going to recover, especially from going Lewis..." Munch said with curiosity in his voice

"I, I don't even know-" Captain responded with hurt in his voice  
Olivia began to cry herself to sleep. A painful deep sleep.

"Looks like she's knocked out." Fin said

"Let's take her to the precinct, Nick, call Huang and tell him that Liv is coming in and needs as much evaluating and talking to as possible." Captain said walking away to his car.

Nick quietly got into Captain's Car with Liv in the back, asleep. Rollins joined in the back holding Olivia against her side to prevent her from waking up during the ride. Munch and Fin got into their squad room with no words on the way back to the precinct.

The entire squad had ran their asses down to the bridge thinking Olivia had jumped, but she had only gone to see Lewis, who knows what would have happened if they had arrived too late.

-**PRECINCT**-  
Getting out of the squad car first, Munch and Fin walked upstairs finding Huang immediately. He had opened his office door expecting Liv to come in any minute. He didn't expect Fin to carry her to the cribs. She was passed out with dry tears on her cheeks. About a half hour later, Olivia woke up to Huang across the room from her. _She recognized the room with beds in it. The cribs_.

"Hello Olivia."

"Um hi, I have to get back to work." She said quickly ripping the blankets off of herself

"Woah, no way Olivia, considering the fact that you went to Riker's and attacked Lewis." Huang said stepping in front of her

"What the-" Olivia said as she tried to walk towards the door feeling like a thousand rocks had just hit her in the head.

"Just sit down. Now do you remember anything that's happened in the last three hours?" Haung asked with a smooth, calm, voice as she sat back on the bed

"All I remember is getting a sick letter from Lewis. Then I remember slamming the gas and driving to the bridge, abandoning the car and going to Riker's." She said fingering the blanket she was sitting on

"Well, let me summarize to you what happened afterwards." Huang said moving over to the bed across Olivia.

"Why do I need to-"

"Just relax Olivia, now, we found the letter and we rushed over to the car, where it was abandoned near the bridge, we noticed it was pointed towards Riker's. We came in and asked the guard where you were. He said you were there for Lewis Williams."

"And-" she said interrupting

"Let me finish. We ran in knowing you had your gun on you, your a cop, you flashed your badge at the window. Now, the problem is, we found you holding him through the bars, screaming at him. We dragged you out, put you in the squad car, and you fell asleep."

"But Olivia, can you tell me why you went ?" He asked kindly trying to pry at her inner emotions to get her to speak

"He sent me this letter..he wrote about what he did to me, and the-"

"That he assaulted you?"

"_And he raped me with my own gun_." She finished the sentence

"Did this visit give you any difference after you went?" He asked

"You mean closure? Of course not. I was raging with anger from the letter he sent. He's been taunting me for months now and I can't get over it still."

"Liv, your body can heal, but our minds can't heal all the time, at least not as fast as you think." He said putting his hand over her shoulder

"The trial, I don't think I'll be able to stand it." She said with her hands shaking

"Liv, it's okay to be scared, but once you face him for good, closure will be better to accept." He said squeezing her shoulder gently

Huang left the room to Olivia. Olivia sat there staring at air. Huang reported to Captains office.

"Did you talk to her at all?" He asked Huang as he closed the door air tight

"She went to the prison out of pure anger and rage. She obviously has PTSD, and her stress doesn't help at all. That type of woman, she's strong, but I've never seen her like this before. She's depressed."

Olivia left the cribs walking to her desk. She went to the office and gave a stern face towards Huang and Captain.

"I'm going home." She said as she walked into the office.

"Olivia,wait, give me your gun please." Huang said softly

"Are you being serious?" She said with a questioning look.

She gave him the gun thinking what a ridiculous thing it was. _They thought she'd use it against Lewis. Now herself?!_

Walking down the stairs, she looked out at the busy city lights, traffic, and people. She stared at the couples holding hands in the pure white snow. One couple held hands and they looked at each other in the eyes with complete love. The way Olivia looked at Brian.

Then she noticed the couple stopping in the middle of the street. The man knelt down on one knee pulling out a velvet box. She gasped at the sight of the box, and the woman cried and Olivia assumed she said yes, the couple hugged while a crowd formed around them.

As Olivia continued walking down the stairs, she flagged down a cab. She climbed in the cab with a big sigh of relief for getting down the stairs safely without passing out.

She sat in the cab for the next 20 minutes when the driver finally broke the silence.

"How's today been for ya?" He said with a cheery voice  
Olivia noticed the man was around his mid forties and had a an heavy Irish accent.

"Honestly, not too good." She responded not even trying to hide her mood anymore

"Ohh, well maybe I can help you with that." He said chuckling softly  
"Oh, anything you possibly could do wouldn't make it any better." She said cutting in

"Miss, if you don't mind myself asking, why are you so down today? It's almost Christmas for heavens sake!" He said smiling through the rear view mirror to the backseat

"Wait, before you say anything, you really happen to look like a cop. " he said softly

Her expression on her face changed when he suddenly commented

"Is it your job?" He said asking softly with the mood serious for a moment

"I guess you could say so. I work down at the one six. I don't know if I'm going back though."

"The one six? Special victims unit right?" He responded quickly as if knowing it by heart

"Yeah, how did you know?" Olivia asked

"I used to work there as a detective, with Detective Stabler-"

"Elliot Stabler?" Olivia said suddenly sitting up

"Yea, you know him?"

"He's my partner, I mean ex partner, until he left the squad." She said slowly trailing off

"What do you mean, he's worked there for years, he doesn't work there anymore?" The cab driver said with curiosity

"He-um, retired from the force, due to personal reasons. He shot a teenager to save the squad. She was shooting at everybody in the squad room, then the teenager pointed the gun towards me, and Elliot shot her. She died in his arms..." Olivia stated

"That was a reason of mine too, I left due to the personal reason that I couldn't look people in the eye anymore after my daughters attack."

"Your daughter was attacked?" Olivia asked  
"And killed-"

"I'm sorry."

"No need to be sorry, the man did it out of personal relations. He knew my wife, he was her ex-boyfriend. He didn't like the fact that she had dumped him after our divorce. One night, I got a call from the one six saying a teenager turned up in the Hudson. I went down there, and it was her. Later, we solved the case, but I couldn't take it anymore and retired." The cab driver said softly

" I'm really sorry to hear that." She said even though he said not to be sorry

"Listen, I regret retiring, and so does Elliot. Your Olivia right? We still hang around each other in Queens. His son was close to my daughter. " he mentioned

"Yes, I'm Olivia."

"He was right." He said suddenly

"Right about what?"

"_That you were one of the best women he knew, he said you were the light of his life, he only left because he didn't want his partner ship with you to crumble after you saw him kill a teenager to save the squad._" He said

Olivia stared down, she slightly blushed at this. She was so angry with Elliot leaving her out of nowhere, never speaking to her again. The cab driver broke the silence yet again.

"Don't." He said with worry in his voice

"Huh?" She said looking up from her trance

"Don't do it, you'll regret it. That job depends on people like you to help the victims out there. No matter how hard the struggle is, people get through it. I know your the type of the person who can connect. Look at the victims you've helped."

"Then why did you retire?" Olivia asked firing his own ammo back at himself

"_Because I didn't have reason back then. I hadn't done enough to give myself reason._"

"Oh-" Olivia said as she was interrupted

" _A great man once said, Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you without warning. You have to __**love**__. You have to __**feel**__. It is the __**reason**__ you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are hear to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in the heaps, wasting their sweetness. __**Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.**_**" **

The cab finally stopped in front of the apartment Olivia and Brian shared. Opening the door and handing the cab driver money.

"It's on me, just promise me that you will keep doing what your doing, and keep up your strength." He said looking into Olivia's deep brown eyes

"Thank you so much-. I didn't catch your-" she said

"I'm Collin Brennan." He said putting his hand out to Olivia's.

"Nice to meet you Collin." She said taking his hand and shaking it

"Take this." He said giving her a cab driver card with his number and name on it.

"Anytime you need to talk or need a ride, just call." He smiled

"Alright,thank you so much."

The cab pulled away. Walking up the stairs to the apartment, she opened the door putting her stuff on the kitchen counter.


	12. Chapter 12: Pieces

Chapter 12: Pieces

Olivia placed her bag on the kitchen table. She turned the lights on. Grabbing the cabbie's card, she placed it on the fridge under a blue circular magnet. The new fridge they had recently bought before moving into the apartment, was completely bare besides the card. Olivia looked down at the boxes in the living room picking up one box labeled "pictures". Taking her jacket off and placing her hands into the box, she rummaged through pictures of her years back at the squad with Elliot. She put a picture of her hugging Elliot deeply in a black and white photo on the fridge. A drawing was next, Calvin's, the one he had drew her with her in uniform and signed it as "Calvin Benson". She was given custody of him after someone she suspected to be her half sister had trusted her with her kid, then she took the only chance of feeling like a mother away from Olivia.

Lastly, a fairly recent picture of her and Brian leaning on one another was hung up and framed near the front door. She smiled softly. After turning the lights out in the kitchen, she made her way to the new bedroom, where her and Brian slept in a king sized bed. The bedroom was pale blue, with a walk in closet that her and Brian shared. She put her coat in the closet, then grabbing a pair of black pajama bottoms, and one of Brian's NYPD shirts. Walking to the bathroom, into the big spacey area, she closed the door trying to not disturb Brian. She opened the glass door to the entrance of the shower. She turned the shower on and let it run for a few minutes.

Undressing in front of the mirror, she slowly removed her clothing. "_**You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are hear to be swallowed up."**_ The words that Collin had said to her. They ran through her head as she slowly ran her fingers over the scars. Stepping into the shower, she let the water run down her body. She just stood there. Letting the water run through her chin length hair, she began to let the salty tears flow mixing with the fresh hot water. After shutting off the water and stepping out of the shower, she dried off putting on the pajamas. Getting into the king sized bed next to Brian, she wrapped her arms around his waist. Drifting off to sleep from the sound of classic New York, she drifted of consciousness until being awoken by the 6:00am alarm.

"Bri, get up, you gotta get to work." She said nudging him with her elbow in the hallow of his back

"Liv! Ten more minutes." He said trailing off falling asleep again

Olivia got up to the sun rising through the curtains in the kitchen. She turned on the coffee pot. She walked down stairs in the snow, grabbing the news paper when a rush of cold air hit her. She came back inside and went to the back bedroom finally waking up Brian by putting the cold newspaper that sat outside for at least an hour on his face.

"Liv, what the hell?" He asked as slightly laughed it off

"Hey, you said ten minutes..."

"Fine, is the coffee on?" He asked

"Yup." Liv responded leaning towards him

Brian got up and as Liv started walking away, he took the waist and pulled her into a long kiss. She welcomed it and accepted with great anticipation. She pulled away after what seemed to be minutes.

"What's that for?" She asked holding his hands between themselves.

"It's just a good morning!" He said pecking her on the cheek

She laughed smiling with her wide nude tinted lips.

Olivia watched Brian come into the kitchen in full uniform. She was proud she had a cop as a boyfriend, who knew, two cops dating. He took Liv down to the precinct. Brian kissed her before she exited the car. Yes, she was returning to work no matter what. Even though they had confiscated her gun, most of her ability on the job, the conversation in the cab and knowing about Elliot had made her feel a bit better.

She walked into the precinct ignoring the stares and sitting down in her desk. She took the case stack from her desk and moved it to the side. Turning on the computer and spinning a bit in her chair, Fin and Munch walked in with coffee in their hands.

"Look who popped in, can't seem to get rid of you." Munch said grinning

"Oh shut up Munch." Liv said getting up and wrapping her arms around him and hugging him

"What's up with all this hugging stuff?" Fin asked giving her a look of confusion

"Psh, Fin just give her a damn hug, you know you want one." Munch said nudging Fin towards Liv

Amanda and Nick walked in suddenly.

"Hey! Might as well let us join." Amanda said in her southern accent

"Come on Liv, let us in." Amaro said taking Liv into a hug as well as Amanda joining in

Olivia released them and took her coat off and placed it on the chair. Huang walked by slightly ignoring the ruckus in the room.

"George. Just give me a hug already." Liv said walking to him and grabbing him in a hug

"What's all this about?" He asked

"Just to appreciate the help." She said

Olivia released him and walked into Captains office. He looked up not staring at who entered the door. He recognized a familiar voice.

"Hi Cap." She said

"Liv? What are you doing here?"

"You expect me not to come to work just because of yesterday?" She asked with seriousness

"Well-" he said being interrupted

"_Captain, you can take my gun, put me on desk duty, but you cannot take this job from me_."

"Alright, if you insist Detective Benson. " he said smiling and his smile slowly went to surprised face

"My God." He said while seeing Munch hug a man around his mid forties or so.  
Munch hugged the man and Captain came out. Olivia followed behind suddenly recognizing Collin. He wore black dress pants and a wool sweater.

"Nice to see you Collin, haven't seen you in fifteen years!" Captain said pulling him into a hug

"How are you doing?" Munch asked  
Munch had known him along with Elliot in the squad before Olivia had arrived.

"I'm doing okay." He responded

"Collin, meet one of our best, Detective-"

"Detective Olivia Benson" Collin filled in interrupting Captain

He smiled at Olivia shaking her hand for the second time within two days.

"Liv, he used of work with-"

"Elliot, I know."

"Have you two met before?" Munch asked chuckling as he looked at both of them

"Actually yes, he drove me home yesterday." Liv responded

"Collin, you do know our dear, dear, Olivia is off limits?" Munch said jokingly

"Don't worry, I'm a cabbie now, she happened to flag me down, and we all led up to a conversation about the one six, eventually leading to the connections."

He said putting his hand leaning on Olivia's desk.

"Why are you visiting?" Cap asked

"Just a special someone helped me give the strength to visit ." He said winking at Olivia

Olivia smiled softly looking down at the case files on her desk.

"Collin, how about we go catch up down at Bamonte's?" Munch said softly taking his coat with him

Laughing, Collin said "You guys still go there after how many years?" He smiled

"Sure do, we spice up the life around there." Munch said

"Okay, let me just drop this off." He smiled taking out a typewriter paper with penned writing on it.

He folded it and gave it to Captain.

"Mind giving this to Olivia before she leaves tonight?" He said giving to him making sure Olivia was deep into looking at her case files

"Alright, nice see you Collin, I hope to catch up with you later."

Collin left with Munch and everybody returned to their desks. At the end of the shift, Olivia let everyone leave before her. She was typing up some papers on one of the case files. She finally clicked "save" and turned the desktop off. Captain emerged from his office, locking the door, starting to out on his jacket.

"Liv, before you leave, Collin wanted me to give this to you." He said taking a paper out of pocket.

"Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow." She said taking the note and putting it in her pants pocket

They hugged and left each other. Captain drove home to an empty house. He sighed at the picture of his wife and him years ago.

Olivia arrived home, taking her coat off, eventually changing and putting the note on her nightstand. Before she turned her light out from reading an article in People magazine, she kissed Brian goodnight. Slightly holding her hand on the dimmer for the lamp, she took the note in her hands and read it.

_**"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places"**_  
_Stay strong, Collin_

She turned out the light.

***PLEASE REVEIEW. I want reviews and im getting disappointed without any. I mean I need so inspiration here. :) please.***


	13. Chapter 13: Shield

***This chapter is a recap of "internal affairs" but I have added just a bit to it. Next chapter will be up tomorrow. I guarantee it will be better. Thank you. ***

Chapter 13: Shield

Waking up with tired eyes, Olivia got up and went to the bathroom. She saw how truly tired she was while noticing the layering dark circles under her deep brown eyes. Starting to shuffle around the bathroom, she opened the draw across from Brian's. In his, he had the essentials, a razor, and small comb. Olivia's contained much more with her pain pills, make up, cover up, razor, hair care products, and toiletries. She traced her water line with brown eyeliner and her top lid. She applied the mascara and then walked to her closet. Picking out a loose aqua blue blouse and her work pants, she smiled in the mirror. Brian awoke to the sunlight shining in the windows.

"Hey Liv, I have to work late tonight. I won't be home until 11:00pm." He said feeling guilty from the last shift that had resulted in Olivia missing and being attacked.

Olivia felt distant. She knew she had stayed alone since the attack, but being with Brian made it so much better.

"Alright, I understand. I'll see you then." She said reaching for her cell. She adjusted the badge and gun on her waistband

"Love you." He said getting up and kissing her

Olivia left and walked down the front stairs. Unlocking the door to her black compact sedan, she entered the drivers seat. Starting the car, she pushed her foot onto the gas coming to a halt in front of the one six twenty minutes later. Walking up the precinct stairs, she entered the locker room first. Opening the locker with the name "Benson" on it, she opened it looking up and down the shelfs. The top shelf had a bag with essentials and extra clothes. The side door of the locker had pictures. Taking off her jacket and putting it in the locker, Nick entered the room.

"Hey Liv." He said smiling while opening his locker next to hers

"Hey" she responded

"How are-" Nick began to ask

"How am I? If your asking I'm doing just fine. Not okay, just fine." She said

Going up to the squad room, Olivia plopped down in her desk. Lieutenant Agent Tucker walked in the squad room stepping into Cragen's office.

"Tucker, what are you doing in the one six?" Cap asked

"I have an assignment regarding two possible cops that work around each other. In the 12th precinct, apparently one has been raping drunk women in their apartment when dropping them off after being picked up. Their names are Officer West and Officer Quinn."

"Your implying somebody go undercover and catch them in the act?" Cap interrupted

"Well, I have somebody in mind, mind if I talk to Detective Benson?" Tucker asked

He spotted Benson outside the office passing by when he opened the door and invited Olivia in.

"Benson, you know Cassidy, ask him if he wants his shield back, he's going undercover in the 12th precinct." Tucker said with a demand in his voice

"Alright-" she said before he walked away

Olivia walked into Cragen's office.

"That son of a -" she said

"Olivia, remember, it's to stop them from committing more crime." Captain said

"Just talk to him please." He said

Olivia came home late expecting Brian to come after her, but he was home before her. She couldn't hold it in. She had to ask him.

"Lieutenant Tucker wants you go undercover with two cops in the twelfth precinct. They've been covering up for each other while one rapes the drunk women when bringing them up to their apartments."

"And why me?"

"Because he knows you want your shield back."

Brian was stuck at this point. He wanted his shield back badly.

"Liv-"

"Do it. I need you to stop them." She said placing the frame of her and Brian on the kitchen counter

They had just moved in and now Brian would be leaving. Again. She knew he would help them with an investigation. She knew it was for the best.

"Just be careful." She said holding onto Brian's shirt  
They went to bed and woke up early in the morning. Brian would be going to

IAB office where he would be assigned with West and Quinn. Olivia went to work constantly thinking of Brian. She was worried what would happen.

"Olivia, Nick, stake out West and Brian. Quinn has another car patrolling a different area."

"Okay, on it." Nick responded

Brian sat in the car with West knowing what he had to do.

"Cassidy, we have a special place we go to for the noobs. Speciality is on us." West said patting Cassidy's back

"Alright, thanks" he said as they entered a club where Cassidy was led to an escort into a private room.

Meanwhile, Liv and Nick were listening in from Cassidy's microphone. Nick was noticing Liv getting uncomfortable when moaning came from the microphone. She turned it off turning red. Silence for the rest of the ride to the precinct.

"Got anything?" Captain asked as he watched them walk in

"Nope, nothing but moan-" Nick said

"Nothing." Liv said cutting him off

Rollins entered the room. Captain observed her with sharp eyes.

"Rollins, you know you fit the profile of the women that West targets?"

"Yea, and-"

"We're going to catch him this time. Have Fin drive you down to the bar, he'll be undercover as a security guard, you find your best dress to appeal him. Make sure your acting drunk when West is called in."

"Alright then." Rollins responded

Walking out of the precinct, they changed. Rollins dressed in a black mini dress and pink jacket, plus a wig, and some silver heels, they drove down to a busy bar.

"Time for some fun." Fin said laughing

"Let's nail him." She responded

Rollins nailed the drunk white woman part. Stumbling and pushing the security guards (including Fin), West and Cassidy pull up responding to they call. Cassidy got out of the car taking Amanda by her arms. Putting her into the car, Fin screamed she's drunk.

"It's okay, we got her now." He said staring at Amanda through the window  
West entered the back seat sitting next to Amanda. He grabbed the keys from her clutch.

"We're driving you home. We'll see what happens from there." West said to Amanda as he moved his hand on her leg

"Okay." She responded groggily  
They drove up to the apartment where Cassidy and West took her up to the apartment. West threw her onto the bed, starting to take her shoes off.

-**SVU**-  
"Let's make sure Rollins doesn't need to stay in their any longer than she has to." Captain said in the vehicle along with Nick and Benson watching the set up camera in Rollin's bedroom

They watched West suddenly take his radio from his waistband walking out of the bedroom. Cassidy walks in two minutes later.

-**Apartment**-

"Damn, Cassidy, promised you that you'd get the first one" West said pushing Cassidy slightly towards the bedroom door

"Okay." He said entering the bedroom door while getting on the bed hovering over Rollins

West took a call. Walking in minutes later to a call of "10-13, 10-13" radioed in from Quinn, they left Rollins alone. Rollins looked up at the camera confused.

-**SVU**-  
"Shit, what's happening?" Nick said nervously

"They just got a call for 10-13." Captain responded

Meanwhile, Cassidy walking down the stairs seeing Quinn come up to him, she pulled out her gun to Cassidy's chest. West joined in. Suddenly, he took the badge from Cassidy's chest, seeing the mic connection, smashing it.

"His wire went dead 45 seconds ago." Nick said tracking Cassidy.

"They're onto him." Benson said nervously running off to the squad car

Quinn and West took Cassidy down to the abandoned shipping yard.

"**WHAT DID GROVES TELL YOU**?" Demanded West shoving the gun to his face

West's fist met with Cassidy's face, he fell over.

"What did he give you?" asked West

"Nows your chance. **TAKE IT CASSIDY**." Screamed Quinn

"Shots fired, 10-13, 10-13" said Quinn into her radio shooting into the water

"What are you going to do, shoot me in the head with my own gun?" Cassidy said with his hands held up

"If that's what it has to come to" said West

"I'll can call officer down, or I can just blow your brains out." Screamed Quinn as she inched towards Cassidy

"Not if I call you out first." Said Olivia as she had her gun pointed at Quinn  
Nick, Fin, and Rollins moved in cuffing Quinn and West as Olivia made her way over to Cassidy who was leaning in a pole for support.

"You okay?" She asked as she put her hand on his shoulder

"Yeah." He said letting out his breath

Back at the precinct, Tucker talked to Cap and Cassidy privately. Olivia watched Cap escort Tucker out of his office while Cassidy walked out. Olivia walking towards the office stopped as Tucker said thanks to her. Entering the office, she closed the door behind her.

"Did I just see you throw Tucker out?"

"Screw him" Cap said

"What's that about?"

"Nothing, it's not political, what can he do throw me out? I hit mandatory leave in six months anyways." He said looking down

"Stop it." Olivia stated with a strong force in her voice

"Olivia, I do. It will happen eventually. I can't stay forever." He said

Olivia walked towards the door.

"And Olivia, I forgot to tell you."

She stopped.

"Munch put in his papers."  
Olivia was shocked, suddenly her heart had sank fourteen stories. She couldn't breath. First it was Elliot, now Munch?

"The Mehcad Carter case hit him hard."

Olivia stared into oblivion

"Nothing changes, but what has to."

Olivia left going home. She stared at nothing as she sat in the car for the past ten minutes. She didn't want to hear it anymore.


	14. Chapter 14: Negotiate

Chapter 14: Negotiate

Olivia drove up to the apartment. Brian had drove home alone. Walking up the stairs she opened the door to their apartment. Walking to the back bedroom, she put her gun down and her temporary badge. Walking back into the living room, she sat down next to Brian. Olivia wraped her arms around Brian's midsection.

"What you heard, with the escort-"

" I believe you"

"But"

"Does anybody just tell you to shut up?" Olivia said smiling

"All the time." Cassidy responded

She pulled him into a deep embrace kissing him. She slowly drifted off to sleep in his arms. She woke up to Cassidy's arm around her shoulder. Waking up at eight in the morning, she released her self from Brian's embrace. Taking her gun and badge, she clipped it to her waistband. Looking down at Brian, he noticed he looked like he'd been through hell and back. He's still here she thought.

Leaving their apartment, she drove down to the precinct. Being the first detective there, she enjoyed her morning conversations with Captain and Munch. Munch was on leave for a bit until he came to turn in everything else. Walking into the doors of the squad room, Captain pulled up a chair next to Olivia's desk.

"Come sit Liv."

Olivia sat crossing her right leg over her left. She held a coffee in her hands.

"How are you doing?" He asked being straight out

She gulped.

"I'm fine."

"That's your favorite word isn't it?"

"Cap, I'm just tired of-"

"Tired of what?" He said looking at her, he worried about her.

"Tired of being afraid." She stated firmly

She continued.

"What I'm afraid of is walking into this squad room and having everybody look at me and wonder if I'm okay." She whispered

Amaro walks in.

"Morning." He said suddenly realizing he had interrupted a moment

"I can-"

"It's okay, we were just wrapping up." Liv said softly

Rollins and Fin walk in fifteen minutes later. The first two hours are slow. Only desk duty for the detectives for now. A tall young man around 24 with a teenage girl or comes in. The girl has bruises and cuts on her face.

"Hi, my sister, she'd like to report something" he said towards Nick

Nick took the man and Olivia got the girl. The girl was around fourteen with deep red curly hair and bright green eyes.

Olivia couldn't help but notice how pretty she was. Her sharp features made her cheekbones stand out. She couldn't imagine how many eyes probably stared at her everyday.

"Hi there, I'm detective Olivia Benson. What's your name?"

"Anna."

"Who's the man that came in with you ?"

"My brother, he told me I had to tell somebody, and he said it would be the cops." She said winding her fingers in with her other hand

"You can tell me."

"It happened today. I was walking home after taking the subway. I entered the door to my house, and someone pushed me onto the ground. He dragged me into the hallway slamming the door. He beat me as I struggled. Then he raped me."

Anna choked up at the moment. Olivia put her hand on her shoulder

"Did you see his face at all?"

"Yes."

"Do you know him at all?"

"Yes."

"What's his name?"

"Ryan Ackerman. He goes to my school. I'm a freshman and he's a junior, I think."

Rollins and Fin took Anna down to the hospital for a rape kit. Amaro left the brother with them after getting his statement. Captain and Olivia started piecing things together. On the board, they put the time intervals and when the brother had found Anna in the hallway.

"Ryan Ackerman, junior at Falcon High, seventeen years old. Has a charge on him for assaulting a police officer in a riot six months ago." Olivia said placing his picture of the board

"Liv, results are back, tests are positive for fluids and DNA, it belongs to Ryan." Rollins said handing a file to her

Captain orders Liv and Nick down to Ryan's residence. Back in the deep woods.

"Ms. Ackerman, special victims unit, Manhattan, your son Ryan-." Olivia said flashing her badge as they entered the doorway

"And whom does special victims need with my son?" She asked  
Amaro interrupted.

"He raped a student at Falcon high this afternoon, a girl named Anna Finnick."  
The mother was shocked by the comment.

"Ryan!" She screamed up the stairs

No response. She went upstairs knocking on the door. A slam and gunshots.

"SVU, shots fired. Backup needed now!" Amaro said in his radio

They pulled their guns running up the stairs. Olivia was first. She noticed a body on the floor.

"SVU-PORTABLE TO CENTRAL, injury to the right rib cage." She said feeling for a pulse on her body

They noticed the door open, a window open.

"Ms. Ackerman, do you know where your son could of gone?" Amaro said as he applied pressure to her wound

Olivia inspected downstairs as the fire department came up the stairs. A gun safe was empty.

"Three guns are missing." Olivia said as Amaro and Ms. Ackerman came down the stairs

"Ms Ackerman, can you tell us anywhere he could of possibly gone?!" She asked as they loaded her into the ambulance

Coughing, she managed to sputter out some words.

"His father owned the guns, three of them, one is a semi-automatic shot gun, others are a handgun and the other is a pistol. I think he went down to the river. It's north of here" She slipped out of consciousness

The squad cars and the swat cars raced down to the mouth of a river. They loaded theirs guns and his their other guns in their ankles. Wearing bulletproof vests, Olivia and Nick ran towards a distant cabin. The swat team assembled.

Olivia kicked down the door.

"Clear!" Amaro said as Olivia went downstairs finding a basement door.

Olivia came down stairs. She heard a noise. Slam.

"Olivia?!" Amaro said as he frantically looked for her

Someone pushes Amaro out of the house. Slams the door taking cover in the basement. Amaro runs towards the swat team with his hands up and radioing in

"Hostage taken! Detective Olivia Benson is being held hostage, we need a hostage negotiation team out here now."

_Olivia woke up. She tried to move, she was tied down in a chair with hands behind her back. Her gun taken from her. Including her ankle gun. She was tied up in a chair again. Flashbacks race through her mind. _

Ryan stands above her noticing that she's coming to.

"Hello Detective."

Olivia formed her lips into a word before he shoved the gun to her head. He held it there, staring at her with cold eyes.

_His cold eyes reminded her of Lewis._

"Before you try to say some thing or make a move, let me make sure I'm the boss now. You make a move and your dead."

"-"

Silence

"For now, let's try to negotiate something if you want your life."

He flashes a sinister smile at her, tightening the ropes around her arms.

***review.***


	15. Chapter 15: Rush

Chapter 15: Rush

Olivia sat in the chair, restrained by rope.

_How could I have gotten myself into this again. I shouldn't have let my guard down_.

Ryan paced around the room. Olivia viewed her surroundings. It was about a 12 by 12 room. No windows, only a big door that was solid as rock. Not wooden, but steel. No chance of a bullet penetrating it with ease. The room had a dresser to the right of her. A black and white portrait of a woman from around the forties, surrounded by unlit candles.

Olivia wondered who it could be.

In the section of the room where Ryan stood, a table was in front of Olivia. He sat on a stool in front of her, behind the table. Olivia flinched as he slammed each gun on the table, the barrels facing her. Olivia remembered she had a wire on her, she knew it was on, they probably heard each and every noise, conversation, and movement.

"So Detective. You want to live don't you?" He said taking the pistol and loading it.

He didn't he same with the rest of the guns. Each and every gun he loaded in front of Olivia, he taunted her. He took the safety off of the pistol. He held it in his hands tossing it and spinning on his index finger.

"What's the point of keeping a hostage Ryan?" She said trying to spark a conversation

-**SVU**-

Amaro and Captain listened in from the wire. They could tell it was getting tense. They knew Olivia was being restrained at some point. Thoughts ran through everybody's heads. This was going to rip apart Olivia, if she got out alive. Captain dialed up Brian.

-"_Brian, emergency, I'll have a squad car pick you up at work. Be prepared."_  
Brian hung up, he rushed out to the squad car, the officer didn't know the situation, all he knew was to drive.

-**SVU**-

"Cap, we have a NGT out here now, do you think we can call the landline, or Olivia's cell?" Fin said with a worried look in his eyes

"Let's try her cell, he knows we are positioned outside, we can't risk it." He said radioing in to the NGT

Dialing her cell phone, it rang three times.

-**Basement**-

Ringing occurs. Her cell phone is on her waistband. He grabs it from her waistband.

_She hated the feeling of a strangers hands on her._

Ryan slid the button to answer it. He forced it to Olivia's ear.

"Answer it." He said with anger

"Hello?" She said nervously

"Detective Benson, this is the hostage negotiation team, are you alright." An unknown voice asked her

"Yes-" she said

Ryan took the phone from her.

"Who is this?" He said taking the phone holding the gun in his hands

A voice paused, the man in the other line cleared his throat.

"This is Officer Riley, with the New York Police Department." He said with a stern voice

"Your not getting a hold of her." He said

"Alright, can you just tell me the condition of Detective Benson? Is she ALRIGHT?" He asked sighing at the moment

Captain stared at Officer Riley. Rollins and Fin had been with the SWAT for the last twenty minutes. Amaro was talking with the head of the SWAT team, devising a plan to infiltrate.

"She's fine, for _now_." He said

"Okay, is there anything you need?" Officer Riley asked

"No, but Detective Benson would like to tell you something." He said forcing the phone to her ear once again.

She gulped knowing what he told her to say.

"Ryan has me tied up, with guns in front of me. Each is loaded, and the one he's holding to me is loaded and off safety. He says any of you make a move, I'm dead." She whispered

"Detective, your partner, Amaro, he wants to talk to you." He said over the phone to Olivia

Ryan took something out of his pocket. A sharp blade. A pocket knife He unloaded the blade from the slit where the blade was. He stared at it, wiping it off with his cotton shirt.

Olivia was protected on her chest by a Kevlar vest. She wore a short sleeve shirt.

Amaro was on the phone in a an instant.

"Olivia? Are you alright?" He asked

"Right now," she said

"We are going to get you-" he said interrupting

A scream cut him off. Olivia's screams pierced the phone's sounds.  
The line goes dead.

Ryan takes the blade gliding it across Olivia's fore arms,digging into her flesh. Blood drips down. The line goes dead, and Amaro goes into panic mode.

"We have to get in there!" He said pushing through a crowd of SWAT only to be stopped.

"Nick, you need to calm down, we'll try and listen to her wire, make sure she's okay until we infiltrate."

Olivia, still restrained, with her arms oozing blood, she stared him in the eyes.

"You can't do this." She said

"Yes I can."

-**SVU**-

Brian was nearly a half hour away. He couldn't help but panic at what could he happened to Olivia right now. He had been getting updates from Cap on the way. As far as he knew, Olivia was restrained. A call came in on his phone.

"Captain? Any updates?" He said answering

" We just tried to call, then we the line went dead when Olivia started screaming, we think she's injured. Her wire is still going." He said with weakness in his voice

"Shit." He said hanging up

The car picked up speed.

Captain was panicking too, he held it in though. He knew the facts of Olivia's first kidnapping, she was saved just in time, but what could happen now. He worried.

-**basement**-

Olivia looked at the picture on the dresser.

"Is that your grandmother?" She said

Ryan looked up. He got up taking the picture, staring at it for a few moments before he said anything.

"Yes. She's dead now."

"I'm sorry." She said

"She was my best friend, my only person I could go to."

"Must of been hard when she died." Olivia said as she tried to move without being in pain

"Yeah, then my dad went full blown out abuse on me." He responded

Olivia felt a relation a bit.

"My father was the child of rape. My grandmother decided to father him, she loved him though. He married my mother, and when my mother walked out on us when I was fourteen, my father started beating me."

Olivia sighed deeply.

"Where's your father?" She asked

"Jail. He murdered my mother when I was seventeen."

Olivia was speechless

"My grandmother took care of me until she died. My sister was born a couple years after me, I had to help us survive no matter what. Our grandmother died, and then we were on our own."

"Ryan, I know how you feel."

"_**NO YOU DON'T.**_" He said pushing from his seat as the stool to the slammed to the floor

He shoved the pistol to her forehead.

Looking up to him, she formed words

"I'm the product of rape, my mother verbally abused me until I was able to get away, I pushed her against a wall. For the next few years, I was on my own."

He put the gun down to his waist, Olivia breathed a sigh of relief.

"You can relate?"

"Yes, my mother took all her emotion out on me. I realized how hard if is for victims, I because a cop, for the Manhattan Special Victims Unit."  
They sat for the next twenty minutes in silence.

-**SVU**-

"Cap! She's been in there for the last four hours!" Amaro said waving his hands

" Amaro, we are doing the best we can."

-**Basement**-

Olivia broke the silence.

"Ryan, we can get you help." She said looking at him

"No, you just want to be free and get me killed."

Olivia retaliated quickly to save herself.

"No, we want you to be better, we can help you."

"I don't want help."

"Ry-"

He took his pistol, forcing it to her face.

"I said I don't want help." He said fingering the trigger

"Besides, neither of us are getting out of her alive.

_He pulled the trigger. __**Bang**__._

Ryan broke down, dropping the gun.

-**SVU**-

Suddenly, a gunshot rings out from the house.

"That's it, GET IN THERE NOW." Cap ordered as Fin, Amaro, Amanda, and Cap rushed towards the house with guns drawn

Going down the stairs with two swat men protecting them with shields, they stopped as soon as the door clicked open to the stairs of the baseman. Ryan stepped out with hands up, he was tackled to the ground. He was taken out of the house.

Fin walked down the stairs first, he feared the worst. They kicked down the steel door to the basement. Olivia sat in the chair slumped over, restrained.

"**OLIVIA**," he said shaking her.

Cap rushed in radioing in.

"**NEED A BUS IN HERE NOW**." He said

EMT's rushed in.

***leave reviews. **_how do they find Olivia_**? Will she be able to get out this? At all? .. New chapter may be up later today or tomorrow afternoon. Merry Christmas. REVIEW.***


	16. Chapter 16: Well

Chapter 16: Well

Brian's car pulled up seeing fire trucks and ambulances surrounding the cabin. He noticed the SWAT cars. He jumped out of the squad car only to be addressed by Officer Riley.

"Detective Benson has been held hostage, we got her out, hearing gun shots." He said

Thoughts through Brian's head. He ran to where Olivia was being carried out on a transport stretcher. Her arms and thighs were a bloody mess.

"He pointed the gun at my forehead, it misfired, you guys came in time before he tried the other guns." she said before being put into the ambulance

"Gun misfired at press of the trigger" Captain said holding Olivia's hand letting out a breath

"Deep cuts to the arms and surrounding area, set out an IV." An EMT said as he secured the transport stretcher in place

He was so thankful she was still on earth. The EMT's rushed her in the ambulance where Nick, Brian and Cap squeezed into the back. Rollins and Fin got into their squad car, putting the sirens on. It would take an hour to get to the city, they had to rush her to an emergency medical hospital.

They escorted the screaming ambulance out of the woods where they picked up speed.

In the ambulance, Olivia stared at the ceiling in silence, the young EMT put a needle into her, trying to avoid the deep cuts in her arm, she didn't flinch, an IV started and Olivia stared at Brian. Captain and Amaro sat there, feeling helpless watching Olivia bleed before them.

The EMT's applied pressure to her wounds, and they lifted the blanket, noticing the blood on her upper thighs.

_Everyone feared the worse had happened. Had he_? He didn't ask.

"Look, deeper cuts in the legs here, we need to apply pressure, when we get the hospital, we'll have to cut them loose." The EMT said communicating to everyone in the back

Captain radioed in to a Rollins in the speeding car ahead.

"Pick up speed, we're on a time limit, she's bleeding from deep wounds, we're lucky we got here there in time."

Rollins obeyed.

"Fin, speed it." She said in her southern accent

The car picked up speed, as the ambulance followed. They got to the city limit, where they were finally getting to a hospital.

"Hurry, she's loosing consciousness, there's a lot of blood." The young EMT said to the older one

_I can't feel my legs, my arms, my mind. I'm slipping. Why._

She lost consciousness as soon as the ambulance entered the parking lot of Mercy General. They rushed Olivia through the doors of the ER where doctors waited, where she was out onto a solid stretcher in the ER. Fin and Rollins hopped out the squad car following behind Cap, Amaro, and Brian. Brian refused to leave her side. He came into the room with her.  
Captain, Nick, and Fin stood in a circle, crossing their arms.

"I want to kill that bitch." Fin said with a disgusted look

"It's all my fault, if I had covered her." Nick began to say

"Nick, nothing you did is your fault." Cap said lecturing one of his own.  
Rollins had waited out to procedure room while Brian waited.

-**procedure room**-

"Let's sedate her while she's unconscious" a head doctor said

A young nurse sedated her while Brian couldn't help but watch. He held onto her hands.

"Doc, look." Another nurse said she she lifted the blanket off of her, revealing deep rips in her pants where cuts were

"Cut them off, we need to apply pressure right now, she's loosing blood." He said

They grabbed scissors, they started to cut the pants off where her thighs were. She had deep cuts where tissue was exposed. Brian was glad she wasn't aware of what was happening, he knew that he and Olivia weren't intimate ever since Lewis. He would wait for the right time.

As they applied pressure to her bloody cut legs, he noticed all the scaring on her thighs. He teared up as he held her hand tighter. The nurse looked at him seeing the scars all over her body. Five minutes later, they had washed the wounds, stitching each and everyone of them. They gauzed her arms, wrists, and patched her thighs.

Brian was escorted out of the room for Olivia to be dressed in a gown. Two female nurses had to help her because she was sedated. Brian exited the room with blood on his hands. The female nurse had taken him to a private room.

"Sir, are you aware of the-"

"Scars? Yes, a couple months ago, she was abducted by criminal, and he burned, cut, and tied her. He also assaulted her. This now, I don't know how she's going to deal with this."

"Sir, we have counselors available." She said putting her hand on his arm

"No, she has one."

"I meant for you, you clearly care so much for her. Maybe-"

"No I'm okay, maybe I'll get one myself."

He exited the room sighing. He came into the waiting room where everyone rose from their seats.

"Brian." Captain said as everyone rose from their seats

"They stitched her up, they had to cut her pants off to get to the wounds, thank God she was sedated." He said softly.

"So she's alright?" Nick said cutting in

"Yeah, the cuts were a few inches away from important arteries and veins." He responded

They sat for twenty minutes before a female nurse entered the waiting room.

"Family of Olivia Benson." She said keeping the door open

All five of them stood up. Brian went first. Alone.

Walking into the hospital room, he saw Olivia looking confused. She was hyped up on morphine and recovering from the sedative.

"Hey." He said softly touching her hand

"Bri." She said softly as she stopped noticing that she was no longer in her everyday clothing

" What the hell happened." She said as she threw the covers off of her noticing her bandaged thighs

"I'll let Cap fill you in, just rest." He said putting Olivia back into her bed.

He kissed her. He left.

_Why are my arms bandaged, my legs. Oh God, I was wearing pants before. I didn't feel them touching me, what in the world._

Captain entered the room along with the rest of the squad.

"Olivia.-"

"What happened." She asked immediately

"You were taken hostage by Ryan Ackerman."

_It all came back to her, she was had waken up tied down, he had her talk to the negotiation team when she was interrupted by him slicing at her arms, wrists, and thighs. She had been able to stay awake, but then she noticed to picture of his grandmother, she had found out his dad abused him because his wife had left him and his sister to rot. His dad was conceived from rape. Then Ryan had taken his gun and pointed it at her forehead. She heard the bang. She shut her eyes and slipped into unconsciousness._

"We heard a gun shot. Turns out the gun was inspected, it was a misfire. Your one helluva lucky woman." Fin stated

"I remember that, but now I'm here.." She said trailing off

"We came in finding you tied up, with bloody arms, then in the ambulance, we noticed your legs- we ended up here where you were in the procedure room, they stitched you up." Nick said

"So, is he dead?"

"No. We arrested him."

Shit. Another trial. She thought

"Good, when can I go home?"

Each of them snickered softly.

"We all know it's going to be a while till you heal from your injuries." Captain said

"Alright" she said

"Why did this happen." Was all Amaro could think of

Cap, Fin, and Rollins bid they're goodbyes, promising they'd come by in the morning. Nick stayed behind where Brian left them to privacy.

"Liv, I'm so-"

"Nick, shut it, this isn't your fault." She said with a slight tone in her voice

"It isn't yours either." He said putting his hand on her hand

"Nick, just focus on Zara for now, I'm alright, it's just some stitches. I'll be out in no time"

"Liv, just please, take it slow. Your my partner, my friend, my family, I look out for you."

"Alright Nick, go home." She said laughing off

Nick left her by herself. Brian came in.

"Liv." He said

No response. Brian assumed she had fell asleep. He walked around the room with his hand on his neck.

"Even with the situation of Lewis, I've never been more worried in my life, you were there for me when I got shot, you held onto me. You saved me. But this time, I wasn't there to save you." He said with a hushed tone

"Bri, you did save me."

Brian turned around, not expecting Olivia to have heard him.

"How? I couldn't help you at the apartment when Lewis had you, not until four days later! Today, you were almost killed. I didn't save you that time either."

"Bri, shut up, you've done a lot."

"It's just that, I don't know if you can depend on me anymore to help you."

"Bri, you saved me by preventing me from falling down that hole again."  
Olivia smiled at him.

"Just keep doing what your doing Bri." She said

He came close to her, kissing her on the lips, he sat back on the chair next to her bed. Holding her hand, they fell asleep in unison.

Olivia woke in the middle of the night. Taking the sheets off of her, she walked numbly, not feeling her legs, but she knew they were there. She walked into the bathroom. She let her gown expose her arms, all bandaged up. Her thighs were covered with bandages and previous scars. Staring into the mirror, she looked at the new bandages that would leave scars.

Interrupted by a knock of a nurse, she opened the door.

"Ms. Benson-"

"Call me Olivia." She said softly towards the nurse

The nurse was about twenty seven with bright platinum blonde hair and green eyes. She took care with Olivia, walking her to the bed holding the IV pole.

"Olivia, get some rest, and in the early morning, we'll check your injuries and assess them."

"It's already the morning" she said smiling at the nurse

"Well, it's only one in the morning, but around ten in the morning, we can check you. Just get some sleep." She said

"Okay."

The nurse headed towards the door.

"Miss, what's your name?" Olivia asked

"Valerie, but call me Val." She said smiling as she left the room to Olivia

Olivia thought about the day. She had gotten held hostage, sliced, almost killed, and now in the hospital, for the second time in the past few months. She fell asleep.

Waking up to noises in her room, her eyes fluttered open. She was relieved when she saw her squad in front of her.

"Hey, didn't expect you so early." She said

"Might as well, we heard they didn't have donuts here, and we all know you love a donut" Fin said taking a box of donuts from a bag, placing it on her hospital table

Valerie came in with a table of gauze, scissors, and other tools.

"Guys, this is Val, my nurse."

"Hi." She said waving to everybody

She placed a chair next to a Olivia's bed.

"We can start with your arms." She insisted

"Okay."

Captain sat on the other side of Olivia. Brian sat and the end of her bed. Nick, Fin, and Rollins stood. Valerie began to take the bandage off of Olivia's left arm. Four big cuts on her arms were covered with stitches. Small stitches of about four cuts on her inner wrists were covered. Valerie inspected each cut, putting antibiotics on each one, then recovering them. She moved onto the right arm, six big cuts on her arm. Each was cleaned. Smaller cuts on her wrist weren't stitched, they weren't as deep.

The conversation continued on between the squad. They all mentioned how the squad room had been yesterday.

"Good news Olivia, your arms are healing very well. Even after a day. Looks like you'll be released in a bit, once your stitches are removed. But we need to check your other cuts." She said softly placing her hand on Olivia's bed  
Valerie looked at Cap.

"We can go." He said softly knowing privacy was the best option to get this done quickly

"_No, they can stay_." Olivia confirmed

"Are you sure?" Valerie asked

Olivia nodded. She wanted to feel safe, not awkward around her squad. She wanted them to feel comfortable to see Olivia in a bad situation, they'd be able to know when it was time to intervene and help. Valerie lifted the gown to Olivia's mid thighs, covering just enough. Everyone was silent once old scars were exposed. Valerie gently took the bandages off. Brian held her hand as she twitched in pain. Everybody had finally known what Lewis had done to her. They saw the scars. The imprints of burns of keys, anything Lewis could get his hands on.

Valerie took the bandages off, looking at the four deep slashes one each leg.

Valerie nodded as she out the medicine on the cuts.

"Looks good Olivia. It's healing well."

Valerie stood writing down the results. She exited the room where Captain followed her out.

"Nurse, do you think its recommended that she go back on the job?" He said with giant eyes that were naturally kind

"Yes, but she should keep her movements mild, her cuts could tear open. But we are planning to wait till they close, and have the stitches removed." She responded

"Thank you." He said putting his hand in her shoulder

Walking back to the room, he entered with his squad filled with laughter. Olivia smiled. Surrounded by her family, her only family that had been there every step of the way, he appreciated how much he had Olivia as a detective, even as he took her as his own. _He treated her well. He loved her._

***next chapter up tomorrow. review.***


	17. Chapter 17: Walk

Chapter 17: Walk

Captain observed his life over the years. Back when Olivia had first entered the squad room, he was hesitant to have a woman on the squad, but Olivia, she made the her way through SVU each and everyday as the heart of SVU. She sat there in her hospital bed, laughing with Fin, Nick, Rollins, and Brian by her side. He walked into the room with a newspaper in his right hand.

"Hey, how you doing?" He asked Olivia, slowly pacing towards her bed

"Tryna break out of this place." She responded with a slight chuckle

"Not too soon, maybe tomorrow." She added

"That's good." He said putting the newspaper on her feet tucked under the sheets

"Do you mind?" He said softly asking the others

They all got up, leaving the room while Captain sat by Olivia's side.

"Olivia, I need to know if-"

"If SVU is the best place for me right now?" She interrupted

Captains eyes averted Olivia's. Olivia's eyes were deep in thought. Captain couldn't read her emotion. She could only block it and push it away. She didn't want to push people away, but sometimes, she had to accept it. She took a look into his eyes, capturing them, as he couldn't seem to match her gaze.

"Captain, all my life, I've dedicated myself to help others. SVU is my life."

"Olivia!" He said taking her hands in his

"But can you help yourself?" He said his eyes watering up

Olivia squeezed Captains hands in hers.

"Cap, I think I can, just one step at a time." She said looking into his eyes

"Alright, I just want to make sure, I want you to be able to operate."

"Thanks Don." She said pulling him into a hug

Amanda, Nick, Fin, and Brian watched outside, where they noticed Olivia and Cap hugging.

"That's just the cutest-" Amanda said

Brian stood there watching them. Nick and Brian stood next to one another, throughout this and Lewis, they had grown closer, considering the fact that Brian punched him once, and Nick hated him.

Olivia released Captain.

"I love you." He said

Olivia slightly gasped. She knew it, but she didn't know when he'd actually tell her.

"I love you."

Captain got up.

"Keep your head up." He said, exiting the room.

"How's she doing?" Rollins asked gesturing her head towards the room

"She's alright." He said putting his hands inside his pockets of his suit

"Just got a call Cap." Nick said putting his phone in his pockets.

"Alright, let's get going." Cap said

"We'll come by tomorrow Brian." He said patting his shoulder

Fin and Rollins left in their squad car. Nick and Cap left five minutes later. Brian entered the room, closing the door behind him.

"Hey. I have -"

"Go, you need the money anyways." She said smiling at her

"You sure?"

"Yes, Valerie will keep me company." She said

"Love you."

He left, kissing her goodbye. Valerie entered the room. She sat down as she fixed Olivia's IV. She checked her heart rate, her blood pressure, and rechecked her bandages. Olivia noticed Valerie's eyes trace over the previous burns and scars that covered her body.

"I know what your thinking." Olivia said looking up at Valerie

Before Valerie could say anything Olivia cut in.

"Your wondering why I have these scars."

"Uh" was all Valerie could muster out, feeling embarrassed for intruding in her life

"It's alright. Ask what you want, I'll answer." She said looking into Valerie's green eyes.

"Alright, how'd you get these scars..." She said quietly trying not to sound curious  
"I-was abducted by a rapist that was out on bail. He beat me, tortured me, whatever he could do to humiliate me." She said softly

"Did he ever ra-" she asked softly

"Not with himself, thank God, but he did, with my own gun.." She said chocking up a bit

Valerie reached for her hand. She pulled Olivia into a hug.

_"Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that's what makes you strong."_ She stated softly

A tear fell from Olivia's soft brown eyes.

"I bet your excited to get the hell out of here." She said making Olivia laugh

"Sure am." She responded

"Get some sleep."

Valerie turned out the lights. Olivia drifted to sleep.

"Olivia...wake up." Was all she could hear

She jumped out of her sleep, surprised to see everybody from the squad in from of her, including Brian.

"Time to get back to work." Brian said sarcastically

Olivia emerged from her bed. She was ready. She signed her release forms, and she packed up her things. Taking the bags with her, she walked out of the room with black sweatpants on, and an NYPD sweatshirt. She couldn't wear normal pants because her stitches would have too much pressure.

"I've never been excited to go on desk duty." She said softly looking at Nick as they drove through New York City.

They entered the precinct where Olivia was given her gun and badge.  
Still the temporary badge number.

She sat down at her desk. Digging through the stack of files on her desk, she took notice of Nick staring at her. She noticed his left hand, with no ring on it.

"Nick." She said

"Sorry." He said noticing that he caught him staring

"No it's okay, what happened-" she said gesturing at his ring finger

"Oh, Maria and I,-we broke it off." He said

"Sorry."

They went back to work. Barba entered the room. He went over to Olivia's desk.

"Olivia, everything with Ryan, it's handled. Don't worry about anything."

"Really, great, so now I just have to worry about the next trial." She said dropping the pen on her desk with slight irritation

"That's what I also came in for."

"Sure lets just, get somewhere else." She said emerging from her desk  
Olivia walked over to the coffee pot in the corner of the room. Barba whispered to her.

"Maybe, somewhere more private."

He guided her to an interrogation room, the only private room that he could think of. He closed the door behind him, putting the blinds down on the two way mirror. He sat down. She had chills in the room.

"Lewis could walk-_again_."

Olivia stared.

***I'm working on brainstorm for the next chapter, I mean, I don't get any good reviews or thoughts, be kind please. Next chapter up tomorrow or the next day.***


	18. Chapter 18: Better

***AUTHORS NOTE: I am basing my story off facts from the the show, and my fictional tales. So when the next episode airs, "psycho therapist", I may be on a break a bit, because I want to identify Olivia's emotions, so I can interpret it and put it within my story. So the next few chapters until the Jan 8, the following chapters will lead up to the trial. Please take note, that I am trying very hard to write more. I am also not a lawyer, any certain corrections may be commented on, please don't be rude though. Also, some lines within my story are quotes from other people, to give emotion to the character, thank you for those people who have said those words, they mean a lot. Thank you in advance.***

_Chapter 18: Better_

"Considering the fact you gave a false statement, about Lewis lunging at you."

_ How does he know that. I'm the only one who knows...shit. Obviously, CSU teams these days figure out when and where a gun was shot. Might as well with a pole._

"I-" was all she could say, staring down in embarrassment

"Reports from the CSU team, they show that Lewis injuries could have only been obtained by being in a sitting position, a helpless one."

Olivia's thoughts raced through her mind. She fiddled with her left wrist.

"Olivia, it's going to come out in court whether or not you tell it. We're going to have to be able to push past it and make sure Lewis goes behind bars."

"Alright, how can we do that? He's been able to get out of all this before, maybe even this time!" She said raising her voice.

Barba could notice the tension rising inside Olivia. Throughout the months, he'd watched a strong woman fall apart in a matter of seconds. Olivia rose out of her seat, she put her hands around herself.

She paced in the farthest corner of the room. Barba approached her. He took Olivia's hands from around herself. He never was so personal with Olivia. He held her hands in his. He guided her to the seat into the middle of the room. She sat down as her hands shook in his.

Staring into her empty lifeless eyes, _he saw the weakness, the vulnerability_. He knew she wasn't one to show her emotion, but she needed to get justice.

"Olivia, focusing on the present is more important, the past is done, now is what we need of focus on."

"But-"

"Don't worry about it, we'll get through this-_together_."

Olivia's eyes were filled with anger, regret, vulnerability, sadness, anything he could see. The only thing he couldn't see was the strong demeanor that was within Olivia. He hadn't seen it in a while.

Olivia and Barba emerged from the interrogation room. They stood across from each other for a few moments.

"Get cleaned up. I'll see you later." He said putting his arm around her shoulder, squeezing it softly

"Alright, I'll see you." She whispered

Olivia allowed Barba to get a head start out of the precinct. When she knew he had left, she walked out of the separate hallway that's separated the interrogation rooms from the squad room. Her face was a bit blotchy, she wanted to make sure she didn't look like she was crying. She walked up to her desk, noticing Nick wasn't at his desk. Fin had his desk a few feet away from hers. He noticed her digging through the left bottom drawer of her desk.

"Looking for something?" He said softly

"Yeah, my makeup bag." She said softly

"This?" He said softly holding up a red small pouch

"Yeah, thanks." She said trying to grab it from his reach, he dodged her.

"Fin." She said starting to laugh as she chased him around the squad room

She ignored the fact others were around.

"You don't need it." He said softly as she slammed into his chest softly

He pulled her into a hug.

"You look perfectly fine." He said softly

They released each other. He gave her the bag as she took a mirror out looking at herself.

_ I'm fine. _She thought

Olivia sat back in her desk. As she comforted herself into her seat, she began to sort things in her mind, she was interrupted by a thought.

_"Anytime you need to talk or need a ride, just call." _

Collin had given her his card. Olivia rummaged through her desk, finding business cards from lawyers, therapists, and cops. She looked for the card that was plain white with the name **Collin Brennan** on it. A yellow cab sat next to his name on the card. She took it with her as she sat up, emerging from her chair.

She took the tan long coat she had, grabbing her cell. She dialed the number putting it to her ear, holding it with her shoulder as grabbed her wallet.

"Where are you going?" Fin asked

"Lunch, got to meet up with someone." She responded as she entered the elevator doors.

Nobody was in the elevator with her. The phone rang, it picked up.

"Brennan here." Was the response

"Hey Collin, thought we'd catch up today over lunch?" She said as she took car keys out of her pocket

"Olivia! Nice to here from you, where'd you like to meet, got no customers." He said in his accent

"There's a place near Central Park, just meet at Cedar Hill, I can pick up the food. Meet you there."

She hung up. Walking to her sedan, she hopped in, starting the ignition. She pressed the gas with a slight pain from the stitches she had in her legs. She wore the long sleeve NYPD sweatshirt, and the black sweatpants. Layered with a coat, she was comforted.

She drove up to a parking spot a block away from "Oriental Chinese Stop" in front of the many entrances of Central Park.

Olivia picked up chow mein, sesame fried chicken, and pork fried rice. Enough for two. She had it in a plastic bag. Walking towards Cedar Hill, the wind blew through her dark brown chin length hair. Her eyes were damp.

Collin sat at a bench, he stood as he saw Olivia approach him. He noticed her attire.

"Is it pajama day at work?" He said laughing as took the bag from Olivia's arms.

Olivia laughed. What seemed like months, the last time she laughed

"No, just want to be comfortable." She said softly

"Would you like to sit on the grass?" He asked

"Why not, not wearing my work pants anyways ." She said softly

They took the separate boxes and utensils. They sat looking at the view of the conservatory pond. Collin sat to the left of her. She had taken her coat off putting it over her knees.

Olivia turned her head towards his, noticing the dark blonde hair and blue eyes in front of her.

"Thank you for the note." She said

Collin watched her. He noticed the empty look in her eyes.

"I know how you feel. Right now, I can see you feel vulnerable."

"I sure feel vulnerable. I feel so weak." She said starting to squeeze the box a bit

"Olivia, you are _NOT_ weak. _You just can't accept yourself as a strong person_."

Collin took the box from Olivia placing it on the opposite side of her. He put his hand on top of hers. Olivia formed words.

"_I feel like myself, strong and weak at once - allowed, at least for a little while, to be both_."

"You're allowing yourself to be only seen as strong. You don't want to be seen as weak, do you?" He asked looking into her eyes

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I am strong. I've always been." She said lightening up

Collin pulled her to a hug.

_ If you push me towards something that you think is a weakness, then I will turn that weakness into a strength._

Olivia released Collin. She appreciated him so much, no matter how long she had known him. They said goodbye to each other.

She drove back to the precinct. She walked up the precinct stairs, entering the elevator. She walked through the squad room doors, placing her coat on the back of her chair. Captain opened his office door.

"Olivia."

She walked towards the office. She stood in the office, observing his desk.

"Feel free to sit." He said motioning towards the chair across from his office chair

She sat.

He sat.

"How are you?" He asked firmly looking into her eyes.

"_**Better**_." She said with a tune in her voice.

_And I am feeling so small.  
It was over my head  
I know nothing at all._

_And I will stumble and fall._

-"Say Something" by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera


	19. Chapter 19: Hope

***note: sorry for the delay, I was somewhere with no internet, also, the events in my stories may be fictional in my terms and may be based off the writer's events. I may mix the events up to have a better cause to the emotion. *-this is one of my favorite chapters I've written. Review please. Thank you***

Chapter 19: _Hope_

Olivia sat in the blue arm chair, waiting for Dr. Lindstrom to close the door to his therapist office. Olivia had been seeing him for quite a few months now. She'd told him all she could. But today, she would tell him everything, she hadn't seen him in a while. She felt distant and lonely without telling anybody.

"Would you like a glass of water?" He asked motioning towards the glass pitcher on his table

"Not right now."

"Alright, you said you'd like to start off the subject this afternoon?"

"Yes, I've felt so distant, I wasn't able to tell anybody, but I have some things that happened back then, and over the past few weeks."

"Go right ahead." He said settling into his chair knowing it would be a long time for her to explain things

That's what he was here for.

"I've been hiding this ever since, I had to tell the A.D.A. so we could get more evidence against Lewis. I told him..."

She paused swallowing, switching her right leg that was cross over her other to the other leg. She leaned back in her chair knowing this would take a while.

"I told him that Lewis raped me with my own gun. Then my whole team knew. I had to tell them."

Dr. Lindstrom's facial expression changed to a sorrowful and questioning glance.

"A while later, when I thought things were getting better, I received a letter in the squad room. From Lewis. He told me that I enjoyed it."

She choked up.

"I was filled with anger, rage, sadness, I don't know, I managed to drive myself there and show up in front of his cell door. I screamed at him, at how he ruined my life. He said he was proud. I grabbed him collar when he was close enough to get near the door, I started telling him off until Nick and Fin dragged me away, they locked me in the squad car."

She stared at her feet.

"I felt like a criminal. _I was a victim_."

"Olivia, you just identified yourself as a victim."

"I guess I did. I know I am now."

She sighed.

"We went back to the precinct where I ended up talking with Huang. I told him I wouldn't be able to stand trial. He left me alone, then I went to the office and told Cap I was going home. Huang was in there. He asked me for my gun."

"Why?" Dr. Lindstrom asked, apparently the only words he could ask as she spilled her guts

"I don't know, they probably thought I'd use it against myself."

"Have you ever thought of-"

"_Not with my own gun,_ that was a disgrace to the job..but I have thought of how it would be if I was dead."

He observed her. With distraught eyes, he let her continue.

"I went home in a cab, and the cabbie started talking to me, and he asked if I was a cop. Turns out he worked with my old partner, Elliot. He told me he had left the special victims unit because personal reasons."

She sat up, taking a glass and filling it to the brim with the pitcher of water.

She sat back into her position.

"He told me not to."

"Not to what?" Dr. Lindstrom asked

"Give up on everything, my job, life, anything."

"Continue."

"He told me that life will break you. That nobody can protect you from that"

"I felt that, he could connect with me."

"He continued and told me that you have to love...You have to feel. It is the reason that you're here on earth. That I'm here to risk my heart, and that I'm hear to be swallowed up."

"Those are some wise words, did you take them in advice?"

"Yes."

"Munch put in his papers too. I couldn't take it anymore, I was just so tired."

"A while later, we got a case, a young girl was raped coming home, and the rapist was a fellow student. We went to his house, but he shot his mother, taking guns with him. She told us he'd be at a cabin near the river. Nick and I, we went in there, alone. The next thing I knew, I was being held hostage, Nick was gone."

_pause. Again._

"I woke up in a tied chair, restrained, I immediately started having flashbacks."

"The negotiation team and everybody tried to reason with him, they were hung on as soon as he out a knife to my arms and legs. "

She lifted up her sleeves, where the stitches still attached to her body. She wore sweatpants.

"I was able to pull through it, and I started talking to him about his grandmother... Turns out she was raped and had the rapist's baby. His father grew up and had two kids, and then his wife left him, taking his sister. His father started beating him. Then I told him that I knew how he felt."

She twitched her fingers that rested in a crossed position in her lap.  
"He had three guns in front of me, a semi-automatic shot gun, a pistol, and a handgun. He took the pistol, he'd held it for a while, with the safety off. He got angry when I said that, he put it to my head. He fired it."

Dr. Lindstrom seemed to have been surprised at how she wasn't dead. She was still a living, breathing, human in front of him.

"I woke up in an ambulance. I later found out the gun had misfired."

"You are one hell of a lucky person to still be alive." He stated

"Lucky? I guess somebody cares." She said looking at the crucifix of Jesus on the far wall in front of her.

"I was also told that Lewis could walk, because I lied in a statement that's crucial for the trial."

She took a sip of her water.

"And h_ere I am today, still alive '_' she said softly after finishing her entire explanation of the events that had occurred

"Olivia, after everything that has happened, what's one thing you think of after each event?"

She looked at him in confusion.

"Close your eyes and breathe."

She closed her eyes.

" Now tell me the first thing that comes in your mind when I say each event."

She nodded.

"Walk"

"_Responsibility lost to help a victim_."

"Abduction"

"_More alert_"

"Assault"

"_Like mother, like daughter_"

"Letter"

"_Like he knew every raw nerve_."

"Visit to Riker's."  
"_It just happened, I didn't know what I was doing_."

"Confiscation of your gun"

"_Powerless_."

"The conversation in the cab "

"_Hope_."

"Hostage"

"_Repeat_."

"Gunshot"

"_**Finally**_."

"Open your eyes Olivia."

She opened them.

"My thoughts of how you've been feeling is that your job forms your own feelings. You reach out to those in need and vow to put their perpetrators to justice. You felt like you failed to help somebody when Lewis walked. You didn't know how you could help the victim, nor yourself. You went home, and after being abducted, assaulted, you felt weak, blaming yourself. Not being able to help others, you knew you were a victim, you were given hope after feeling so powerless, and then your near death experience gave you an opportunity to escape."

_Exactly_. She thought

"**_Olivia, you can never loose hope. Staying strong is important, because you never know what tomorrow brings. You are fighting your own war, it's conditioning you to be a person who will be capable of so much more than one who had experienced nothing of it, it can bring out the very best in us, but also the very worst. But you need to make sure that the last thing you remember about today isn't that you fell down, it's that you got back up again. That's what we do when bad things happen to us._**"

*to be continued.*


	20. Chapter 20: Wishing

Chapter 20: Wishing

Light shines through the windows of their bedroom. Olivia wakes up on a Friday morning. She wakes up to the light in her naked brown eyes. She tosses the comforter off her covered legs. She placed it back looking untouched. Brian remains asleep. She places both her feet in black uggs. She wears tan sweats with a navy blue crew neck sweatshirt. Walking towards their grand bathroom, she walks to her dresser, where on top, her make up bag lays. She walks in the bathroom placing it on the black and white granite counter. She takes a shower of three minutes. She doesn't look in the mirror. Not this time.

Grabbing a teal robe, she sits on a stool, teasing her wet hair with a hand towel. Her brown hair slowly dries naturally, then she places it under a blow dryer. Her hair rests around her back, slightly. Unzipping the Betsy Johnson black make up bag, she takes out a concealer, and her Lancôme eyeliner, along with mascara, she puts on her usual routine of make up, just enough, not too little, not too much. Opening the door to the closet, she takes another pair of sweats out, putting a work blouse on with them. She grabs an extra pair of her work pants, hoping she can change into them when her stitches are removed today.

Captain gave her the morning, knowing that Brian was going to take her to the doctor. As she fiddles with the closet door, Brian awakes.

"Hey, you already dressed?"

"Yeah, I'm going to get something to eat down the street, I'll come-"

"Liv, I'll pick you up there, don't bother, relax." He said pulling her into a face to face hug

"Alright, see you Bri."

Olivia walked into the kitchen. She opened the closet door that was nestled in the corner of the entrance, she took out a navy blue knee length coat. Grabbing her wallet, rather then her purse, she closed the door behind her. Making her way down the corridors of apartments, she entered the silver elevator doors. Exiting the elevator, she was greeted by their doorman, also the security guard.

"Morning Olivia."

"Morning Aaron."

He nodded to her as she walked through the glass doors that the opened everyday for her. She'd gotten to know him quite well, she started to trust him that he'd be able to protect her if she needed him.

She walked down the block where it was bright and colorful, it was filled with a friendly amount of people. It felt safe to Olivia. Entering the door of "Lydia's bakery", she was greeted by the shop wonder her self. Olivia had began to go to the bakery every now and then after she and Brian had settled into their new apartment. The bakery had breakfast items as well.

"Hey Olivia!" Lydia said patting her checkered apron approaching the table near the window where Olivia and Brian usually sat

Lydia was from Virginia and of German decent. She had sharp bright blue eyes, and dyed black hair. She was about forty two or so, she had inherited her shop from her mother who had died during 9/11.

"Hey."

"Where's Brian?"

"He's resting, we're running errands after I grab something."

Lydia motioned a menu towards her.

"Can I just have a two cups of coffee to go and a glazed donut?" She said before Lydia handed her a menu

"Alright, you cops sure love your donuts." She said walking away

Olivia laughed quietly as Lydia laughed back at the counter. She placed the donut in a white paper bag in front of Olivia. Olivia smiled at her. She'd knew a lot about Lydia too. She knew that Lydia was trying to get pregnant at her age. Today, she seemed to have noticed that Lydia had gained weight.

"How are you and Robert?" Olivia asked as Lydia placed the coffees on the table

"Well, after a while, we just found out I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations Lydia!" Olivia said as she was happy for her

_I wish I had the time to have a child. Who knows, at this age, I probably am infertile. Adoption agencies turned me down years ago. _

Olivia was so caught up with her being a cop and all, she hadn't found the right man, but now that she had, her and Brian had been discussing it, even marriage, but now the a wall was put in front of their road, Lewis had destroyed her thoughts of it. She didn't want any intimacy right now, still being insecure about everything.

Olivia left with her goodbyes and good luck towards Lydia. She walked out the door as Brian pulled up in his black Nissan. She opened the passenger door, sinking into the leather seat. They drove to Mercy Hospital, going up to the second floor where check ups were made. They entered the waiting room. Olivia checked in, showing her drivers license along with her membership card. Her photo I.D. resembled her old self, long beautiful brown hair, and looking healthy. Olivia now had cut her hair, lost some weight, seen in her face, and her eyes had circles under them. She was given a pink sheet where questions needed answers. She sat in a chair reading the questions.

Check yes or no for the following questions. In the questions with lines, please provide the appropriate answer in form of words.

_Are you allergic to anything?_

_No._

_Do you take blood pressure medication?_

_No._

_Have you been in the hospital recently, particularly this month?_

_Yes._

_Have you ever collapsed due to stress?_

_Yes._

_Are you currently pregnant?_

_No._

_I wish_.

No further questions, and Olivia put them in to the nurse. Ten minutes later she was called.

"Can my-"

"Of course" the nurse said nodding at Brian

Brian walked in with her. She was guided to a room, she sat on a padded chair, where a metal table had tools. She felt likes he was back on the exam table, having to go through a rape kit. She felt shamed. This time, it was different. It had to feel different, otherwise she would start having flashbacks.

"I'll be removing your stitches today Ms. Benson." The young nurse said

She sat down on the stool looking through the paperwork and then putting on a pair of gloves, she sterilized the tools.

"I'll need you to lift your sleeves."

Olivia lifted them. The young nurse removed the stitches on each arm with the scissors ad medical tweezers, she gently pulled the thread out of the healing flesh. Olivia felt the pain, but it wasn't much. Brian had watched her from across the small room.

"Ms. Benson, I'll need you to slightly remove your pants so I can remove your stitches."

Olivia slowly moved her sweats down, her sweatshirt covering her upper felt awkward having to do this. She hadn't been touched by anybody but doctors after Lewis and Ryan's ordeal. The nurse removed each stitch.

"It looks like they've healed well. You can put on regularly pants on now, the injuries can't rip now, but it may scar, I have a supplement for you to take to increase the healing process, and to prevent scarring."

Olivia nodded.

She changed into her work pants before leaving while Brian was in the waiting room. Olivia exited, thanking the nurse. The nurse had noticed Olivia slightly flinching when she had first touched her. The nurse thought as Olivia left the waiting room.  
_**That woman has been through hell and back. **_

Olivia and Brian made their way through the traffic, where Olivia got out of the car in back of the precinct. Kissing Brian before she unlocked the door, she took her sweatpants with her, hoping to put them in her locker. She got out of the passenger seat, adjusting her navy blue coat. Opening the back door to the precinct, she made her way to the locker area, where she put in the combination opening the door of the metal compartment. She placed the sweats under her other two hanging coats in her locker. She made her way up to the stairs, feeling a slight pain from each step from her legs.  
I have to take some of these pain pills, plus those stupid healing pills. She reminded herself

She reached the top of the stairs, where she got to the precinct corridors, where she entered the room. She signed in, after having the big shooting that caused Elliot to leave, they had put in a desk monitor to check everybody in before entering the precinct. She walked in, heading towards her desk. She sat down in her desk, opening her left drawer, her personal drawer, finding the pain pills, and holding the pill the nurse had given her.  
Amaro and Fin walked in.

"Hey Liv." They said in unison

"Hey guys." She said pushing the women's bathroom door open

She took her pills and returned to work.

_***note: may be a while until I write, I'm waiting for the January 8th episode, plus I hope to see Mariska win a peoples choice award. Leave your reviews. Thank you.***_


	21. Chapter 21: Preparations

Chapter 21: Preparation

Olivia sat in the wooden oak chair. She stirred uncomfortably as she stared at Barba pacing along the floor of the courtroom. They has been practicing their defense against Lewis. For all they knew, Lewis would be representing himself, knowing he could break Olivia more than he already had. For Olivia, Lewis was only a break in her life, it wasn't bent to control her entire life, she had to fight that.

"Olivia, when he questions you, make sure you say exactly what we've gone over." He said packing up his brief case

Olivia lifted herself from the chair, she made her way down the aisle where she'd walk out and in, having to see Lewis. She walked out of the doors as Barba out his hand around her waist to give her reassurance. Olivia and Barba made their way out to the courthouse steps where they were to part. Olivia started down the steps alone, leaving Barba in thoughts.

"Wait-Olivia." He said extending his hand towards her shoulder

By the time she had turned around, her eyes were watery, letting the window blow her hair in her face to prevent Barba from seeing her so unstable. He noticed.

"We're going to get him." He said firmly pulling her into a hug

This wasn't just a fast hug, it was the type of hug that meant a lot. They held each other, and he started to notice that she started sobbing into his suit. He didn't mind. He hugged her tighter. She let go of him, wiping her tears away. Noticing the tear stains on his suit, she backed away.

"Sorry." She said softly

"It's alright, not one of my favorites anyways."

He smirked at her attempting to make her feel better. It didn't.  
She walked down dozens of courthouse steps. Each step taking longer to get down. Each time she walked through her city, the city she'd grown to love, she could see Lewis anywhere, she wanted him gone forever, sadly, she would never get him out of her mind, sure, the nightmares had gone away, but they'd start coming back when trial came near. Brian had watched her struggle every night since the attack. He would wake up to sounds of sobbing in the bathroom. He'd see her in the mirror from the bedroom to the bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror in despair, pain, embarrassment, and shame. Olivia Benson was broken. She had yet to be mended.

Olivia was thankful Amanda was free to pick her up. Olivia made sure she didn't look like she was crying. She didn't want to look weak in front of her younger co-worker. Entering the light tan sedan of Amanda and Fin's, she climbed into the passenger seat, immediately averting Amanda's eyes. They started driving through the winding streets, eventually getting to the middle of Times Square. Trying to avoid talk about her personal life, she decided to ask Amanda about things.

"How's your shoulder?"

Amanda didn't dare to look at Olivia, she knew Olivia didn't like to have anybody see her at her weak point.

"It gets worse at night, but I can deal with it."

She took a right turn, heading down a quite alleyway. It was another awkward silence. Amanda decided to turn on the radio.

"_**The trial of a Manhattan special victims unit detective taken hostage by a sadist serial rapist and murderer, will soon be tomorrow, as we await the conviction, as far as I'm aware, this guy has walked before**_"

The radio blasted. Amanda immediately turned the radio off turning beat red in the face. Olivia stared ahead.

"I'm,I'm, sorry." Amanda blurted out

"It's alright, everyone knows anyways..." Olivia trailed off

The rest of the ride was quite. They pulled up to the back of the precinct. Amanda put the emergency brake on along with the gear put into park. Amanda got out first.

"You coming?" She asked as she noticed Olivia hadn't gotten out

"Yeah, I'll be there in a bit."

"Alright.."

Amanda left the squad car, leaving Olivia in the passengers seat.

_I wonder how Barba and I got close to actually hug, we never are emotional towards once another. I guess this bump in the road has made me close to those I've never been close to. The only good thing. Everything else. Bad._

Olivia noticed ten minutes had passed by, she got out the squad car closing the door behind her. She walked to the back door taking the stairs. More steps to get to the destination. Yet she didn't know her destination. Not anymore. She was lost, and she knew it.

Approaching the squad doors for what seemed the billionth time she'd been there, she was greeted by a bouquet of red and white roses on her desk. She went to her desk, reading the notecard.

_"Tough times never last, but tough people do."  
– R. Barba_  
She smiled.

Fin hadn't seen Olivia smile in a while. _Especially this smile, it was the type of smile when you're trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision_. Olivia had that smile.

"Secret admirer?" He smiled laughing

"No." She whispered still smiling

"Brian?"

She shook her head no.

"Damn, your pretty popular then."

She laughed.

He was glad he made her laugh.

As she laughed in exchange with Olivia, he watched the glistening in her eyes. Ever since the day he had seen her, the dedication she'd brought to the squad, she'd never give up until she got an answer to her question.

Today, the look in her eyes were different. She used to have the eyes of aggression, dedication to anything, and accomplishes she hungered for. If it wasn't accomplished, she'd keep pushing. She wouldn't give up. Today, her eyes were filled with laughter, but a different kind of laughter, he laughter that came with a smile, but the smile was hidden underneath the emotion of not being able to be happy.

_It's hard to smile when your not happy anymore._

Cragen sat back down into his chair. Turning towards the window with beams of sunlight shining through the blinds, he observed his name on his desk.

"Captain Donn Cragen"

_It's wiring down, time goes by fast. I'll miss being captain. I trust Olivia will be a good Sergeant. God knows she deserves it._

-**Knock**-

"Cap" the familiar voice of Detective Olivia echoed into his office

"What can I do for you Olivia?"

"I'm going early, you know, trial is tomorrow, gotta get some form of sleep."

She tried to laugh at her own joke, to break the silence

He nodded.

"And Olivia-"

She turned around before exiting the door

"_We'll get him, and all of us, we're here for you. No matter the cost, no matter what. Forever and always_."

She smiled with tears in her eyes.


	22. Chapter 22: Trial part 1

**NOTE**:_ I have done my research on trials, please don't be rude if I am incorrect about the process of trials or any other things, I am not a lawyer, please be nice. Part of the trial is my own perspective to my own story. However, events from the upcoming episodes reflect my story. Including the upcoming trial. Thank you. I worked extremely hard on this chapter, review._

**Chapter 22: **

_Trial Part 1_

She awoke to an uncomfortable settling in her stomach. Realizing today would be the trial against her captor, William Lewis, she had been dreading this day. Wanting to cool off, she scooted away from Brian, who slept to her right. She stepped into a cold shower, she didn't mind at the time. She tried to let the cold water press her thoughts away. Obviously, it didn't work. Dressing in a tan blazer and white shirt, she looked in the mirror.

"_Look what he did to you_." Ran through her mind

On their way to the courthouse, Brian and Olivia stopped for coffee at Lydia's Bakery. Olivia didn't bother to go out in the open, she knew half of the city knew that a sadist was going on trial, and could possibly walk. She sat behind the tinted windows as Brian handed her coffee in her left hand. She didn't say a word. Neither did Brian. All he knew was that he had to be there for her, and he'd always be there. They drove to the courthouse, where Olivia sat on oak bench, awaiting for the meet with Barba to brief with her.

Rollins, Captain, Fin, Nick, met with her and Brian at the steps. Barba appeared, where they went to a private area to speak. When word got around that Lewis had arrived, they filed into the courtroom. She began to enter, and sat. Somehow, she made eye contact with Lewis. _He smiled at her_. The entire squad made their stares at Lewis as he silently broke Olivia. She turned her attention to the words spilling out of a mouth.

**_ "PEOPLE OF THE STATE OF NEW YORK, PLAINTIFF. vs. WILLIAM LEWIS, Defendant"_**

**Type of Case**:  
_Criminal  
Charge: kidnap, attempted murder, sexual assault, attempted rape  
Jury Trial  
Nature of legal claims:  
__Defendant is charged with attempted murder, kidnap, sexual assault, and attempted rape. Thus, the prosecutor seeks a verdict of guilty and a judgement conviction of sexual assault, kidnap, attempted murder, and attempted rape. Defendant claims he is not guilty and was framed by the NYPD after being accused of rape of an elderly woman, and walking on bail._

**Summary facts:**  
"Detective Olivia Benson of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit was held hostage for a total of four days. Detective Benson arrived at her apartment where Lewis was waiting for her. He held her at gunpoint, and when she was knocked out, he burned her with cigarettes, her badge, and keys, also beating her . Over the next few days, they were on the run, where they stopped at Defense Attorney, Vanessa Myers parents house, where he forced Benson to watch him rape the mother of Vanessa Myers. Lewis took her to a safe house where he sexually assaulted her with her own gun, and then handcuffed her to the bed. Before he had a chance to rape her, she was able to restrain him, and then defending herself having to beat him with a metal pole, where she called for backup."

**List of materials:**  
_Pretrial order  
Jury Instructions  
Investigation report-(Captain Donn Cragen) (Prosecution Witness)  
Report from Medical Examiner of rape kit  
Statement of Detective Olivia Benson  
Statement of William Lewis (defendant)  
Statement of Officer Malley (defendant's witness)_

Olivia knew that she wouldn't be cross examined by Lewis' attorney today. She felt uneasy as she felt his eyes gaze on her body and expression. She didn't even have to see him look at her, for her sake, she knew. While she sat in the oak bench between Nick and Brian she waited for Barba to give the opening statement.

"Mr. Barba, you may present your opening statement." The judge said as Barba stood

Barba stood to the jury. The jury consisted of a couple of young women and men in their twenties, while the rest of the jury consisted of middle aged business class people and two elderly people. He hoped to gain an advantage by using the heartbreaking sympathy he could get to make sure Lewis would go behind bars.

"On May twentieth, Detective Olivia Benson, a Manhattan Special Victims Unit detective, came back home after the Lewis Williams, the man sitting at the defense table had walked that day. She went home and Lewis was there, holding her at gunpoint, where he knocked her out, branding her with her badge, hangers, and keys. He took her to the parents house of Vanessa Myers, his previous defense attorney, and forced her to watch him rape the mother of Vanessa Myers. He then hijacked a car and force fed her alcohol, where he took her to a safe house. Over the four days, he beat her, burned her, and taunted her. He sexually assaulted her with her own gun, and attempted to rape her before she was able to knock him out by using a metal bar as defense. She was found broken, bloodied, and injured."

Olivia cringed at the moment Barba had said "sexually assaulted". Nick looked her with tears in her eyes, he felt bruised having to watch her suffer.

"Thank you Mr. Barba."

Part of the jury looked at Olivia in sympathy while the rest looked cold hearted at Lewis. Barba had gotten his first dent in their future attempt to finally put Lewis behind bars. Olivia had remained looking into the oblivion until her gaze was interrupted by the judge.

"You may present your first witness Mr. Barba."

"I would like to call Olivia Benson to the stand."

Olivia stood where she ignored the stares all but Lewis'. Pressure built in her chest. She placed her left hand on the Bible in front of her. She raised her right hand as she looked into space.

"Do you solemnly swear or affirm that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

"I do."

Barba stood in front of Olivia giving her the reassuring glance that he'd given her while practicing the questions. She blinked, which signaled she was ready. Captain Cragen, Amanda, Brian, Nick, and Fin looked at her, trying to make sure she was okay. She was okay when they were there, as far as they knew. _No one knew much of Olivia anymore._

"On the night of May twentieth, did you arrive home to your apartment?"

"Yes."

"Once you stepped inside, were you greeted by Lewis Williams?"

"No, I put my bag down, and I heard a noise, stepping towards the hallway."

"Once you stepped into the hallway, what happened?"

"Lewis stepped out and held a gun in front of my face, he said "Welcome home detective Benson."

"What happened after he held you at gunpoint?"

"He took me by the arm, where I finally made a move, but he pinned me down, I continued to fight but he smashed me against the counter eventually, where I think he knocked me out."

Olivia stirred in her chair as the jury's eyes looked upon her. She slowly lost contact with Barba until the next question was asked.

"What happened when you woke up?"

"I woke up on the floor, noticing the previous lit cigarettes next to the chair. I was tied to a chair and my mouth taped"

"And following the waking up, what happened?"

"Lewis kicked the chair where I fully awoke and he lifted the chair where he placed my gun on my thighs, I nudged away where he started talking to me about how I was so sweet when I was knocked out."

"After that, your cell phone began ringing?"

"Yes, I told Lewis that it was my boyfriend, who was on his way over now, and he was NYPD."

"It was correct that it was him, but you didn't answer?

"Yes, Lewis had it and put it to voice mail. I was still tied up"

"Who was the voicemail from?"

"Brian Cassidy, my boyfriend."

Brian looked down feeling guilty that he hadn't gone home that night. "_my fault_" Ran through his head.

"What was the voicemail?"

"Brian left a voicemail saying he would be pulling a double shift."

"You informed Lewis that you and him could put this behind you, that he should leave and act as if nothing happened?"

"Correct."

"What was his response?"

"He said that it wasn't like him, that he had things to do to me, and that people would notice the cuts, burns, and bruises."

"When was it that he moved you out of the apartment?"

_**-One hour later-**_

Olivia still sat in the stand. She had been questions for over an hour now. They'd gone through the rape of Ms. Myer's and then being force fed with alcohol. Everybody from the squad hadn't moved a muscle, they gave their undivided attention to Olivia, knowing they had to support her no matter what. They had now approached the subject of the safe house, where she was thrown onto the mattress. Memories flooded her as she described arriving at the safe house.

"Once you entered the door, he took you to the back room, correct?"

"Yes."

"What happened when you got there?"

She shifted her legs as everyone's eyes gazed at her.  
_ Stares. _She thought

"I was still handcuffed and taped, he threw me stomach first onto the mattress-"

Brian had started to tear up. He felt the pain that Olivia could release on the stand, she had to stay strong. He had to stay strong, for her.

"Then what happened?"

Barba had a sick feeling in his stomach, he hated having to humiliate Olivia yet again, she had gone through so much pain and discomfort.

"I saw a bathroom behind him, I had to go since he force fed me vodka. He noticed that I was moaning in pain, and he told me it had been a long time, and told me to get up."

"Were you able to get up on your own?"

"No."

"How did you get up then?"

"He took me by the waist, he put his gun to my head, making sure I would "behave", he dragged me to the bathroom."

Barba swallowed, he hated to have to ask this question.

"What happened in the bathroom?"

" He came in with me. I was still handcuffed, and he took the tape of my mouth. He stared at me, expecting me to just go. I had to ask him to remove my pants, and I went, but then he just stared afterwards, where he violently pushed me to the floor, exposed."

"What happened after he pushed you to the floor?"

Everybody in the courtroom had shifted in one way or another. They had to watch a sex crimes detective describe her own attack. They knew this was humiliating for her. It weakened her as she noticed more stares."

"He raped me with my own gun."

She gulped, starting to tear up.

Barba immediately looked at the judge, noticing that Oliva was on the verge of breaking down.

"That's enough for now, forty minute recess."

"_Your honor, I request a meeting with my attorney and Barba, as well as you, your honor._" Lewis blurted out as Olivia turned around before exiting the door

Barba stared at Olivia where he nodded making sure that she was okay to leave for now. Barba made his way to the chambers first, where Lewis and his attorney entered after the judge sat down.

"_Your honor, I request I represent myself from now on_." Lewis said

Lewis' attorney looked at him in shock, same with Barba.

"What gives you such an opportunity?" The judge retorted

Barba looked at him as if he was insane, in fact he was, he had to be.

"I believe my attorney isn't assisting me in trying to defend me, I'd like to represent myself from now on."

"_Your honor, this is just a tactic for Lewis to humiliate detective Benson on the stand while examination!"_ Barba said quickly

"If it's in your best wishes, I will allow it, but I recommend you keep your attorney for consulting."

Lewis smiled at Barba. Barba looked at him in disbelief. He couldn't believe that Lewis was winning.

Olivia sat alone on the courthouse steps where she had her hands crossed in her lap. She turned to the sound of Barba clearing his throat.

"Anything new?" She asked knowing the meeting was about Lewis

"Yes, um-"

Olivia got up immediately preparing for the bad news. She thought of all the ways Lewis had own before, not this time, they had to nail him.

"Lewis is representing himself in court from now on, starting tomorrow."  
Olivia's breath spilled out of her.

"That means he's going to examine me, interrogate me, on the stand?!"

Barba's stomach sank seven floors.

"_Yes_..."

_**To be continued...**_


	23. Chapter 23: Trial, Part 2

**Note: This is my own version of events within the trial, however slight events will be mentioned, thank you for waiting. Some quotes are mine and aren't mine.**

_Trial: Part 2_

_"I think you need to learn to behave detective." He said, slowly climbing atop of her._

_ On the warmth of her own bed sheets that Olivia slept on, she'd always felt safe in her own covers. Lewis let lit a cigarette in front of Olivia's deep brown eyes. Olivia's shirt was ripped to shreds practically. She stared at him in fear, waiting for the searing pain that would soon come to follow._

"And YET, you had allowed me to have your gun?" Lewis asked as he raised his voice towards Olivia

"No. You took it from me." She said looking him hard in the eyes

"Being an experienced detective for what? 15 years? You said that I had you at gunpoint?"

"Your gun first, then mine." She responded

"You said you had frozen?"

"Yes..." She said

"How come you froze, being so experienced, you hadn't been so quick had you?"

"I-"

"You have been accusing me of taking your gun, burning you, cutting you, beating you, raping you with your own gun, and taking you hostage, yet look at me, I'm the victim!" Lewis stared at her as he leaned on the stand where Olivia sat.

He was inches from her.

_She felt chills._

_The jury began to shift their movement._

"_Objection_!" Barba had stood

Before anybody could say anything after Barba forced the words out of his mouth, Lewis began to make a run at Olivia.

"YOU BEAT A HANDCUFFED MAN NEARLY TO DEATH. My lungs were punctured, my skull crushed, I'm permanently blind in an eye, and deaf in an ear. You injured a handcuffed man. Do you do that at work?!" Lewis slammed the stand making Olivia jump

"_Your honor, objection_!"

"I did what I could to prevent you from attacking me again." Olivia retorted

Lewis paced closer, only an inch from her face. His cold eyes looked into hers.

"_Your lying, and we both know it. It'll be over, eventually. We know your lying._"

_Olivia's eyes were lifeless, with no more brightness in them. Brian, Cap, Rollins, Amaro, and Fin had watched a determined, hard working, dedicated woman spiral down into a dark hole. Olivia was no longer Olivia. She no longer saw herself as a person anymore. She could only see herself as a thing. A thing that wanted to be something, someone. But that thing had lost its determination._

" **_Objection_** !" Barba retorted louder than usual

"No more questions." Lewis said backing off from Olivia

"Are there any more witnesses Mr. Lewis?" The judge asked

"No."

"Time will be taken for a verdict, I will call you in the jury has reached a verdict."

_Wam_. The gavel went.

Olivia stood exiting past Barba. Rollins, Fin, Cap, Nick, and Brian had waited outside the courthouse. On the cold day that it was, they wore the long knee length coats they usually wore. Olivia walked down the steps fast, no acknowledging the fact that her squad was there for her. Brian ran for her. Ice and Amaro grabbed his arm.

"Brian" Barba came behind them

"I think she wants to be alone. We have time, but I think we should let her calm for the verdict."

Brian stepped back, hating to leave Olivia on the outskirts.

She had been like a free bird without a cage, being able to take care of herself, protecting herself. Now she was a bird, stuck in the cage, she has been in the cage for a long time, and _she had no idea when she'd be set free._

Olivia continued to walk down the steps, rounding the corner. She would head back when she wanted to, she wanted to be alone. Being alone was all she could do right now.

Walking down the street, she just walked and walked. Looking at the expressions on people's faces made her wonder what their story was. Each and everyone of us had a story, yet _Olivia's story wasn't going anywhere_. Olivia was a child of rape, being abused by her mother, then soon, she felt like her story had actually began, helping out victims, but right now, she was one. Her story was no longer in play, it was paused. She needed for it to play again. Blocks and blocks were walked by.

Rollins sat on the the steps with Fin and Brian. Amaro had been talking with Barba and Captain.

"You promised he'd go away." Brian said rubbing his hands together

"And he will." Barba assured

He assured everybody that he was working his ass off. He knew that this man, who had taken the life away from Olivia had to go away. He would pay for he'd done to her.

"_She's too broken_." Brian said coughing slightly

"Brian, you can't say that. She isn't broken, she is merely torn, we're just going to help her mend herself back. We are here for her aren't we?" Captain cut in  
Brian nodded as did Amado and Barba.

Olivia walked through the streets of New York City. She hadn't kept track of the time. She kept going on the continuum of this walk. Stopping at a spot where most cabs were routed from, she sat on a bench facing away from the street, facing into a small pasture of greenery. Closing her eyes, she began to loose consciousness , wanting to forget the world.

"Olivia?" A man's voice said  
She awoke quickly moving around being aware of who it would be.

"Collin?" She said seeing the blonde hair, blued eyed Irishman she'd met in a cab.

"Yeah, glad you recognize me." He said

Olivia slightly smirked, _it was too hard to smile when she wasn't happy._

"May I sit?"

"Why not." She said quietly

Collin immediately noticed the mood. He'd known all along about the attack due to the media. He never urged to talk about it with Olivia, as they only knew each other from past connections. He just wanted to comfort her in her darkest times.

"Glad to have ran into you. My cab services spawns from here often." He said smiling at her

"Yeah, we always seem to run into one another" Olivia stated

They sat at the bench for ten minutes. Silence was the only thing exchanged.

_Olivia didn't care anymore._

"Olivia."

She shifted her gaze at him.

_** "Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes staying strong involves us in letting go of the bad, and accepting the good that comes to us. A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars. A lot of emotional stress that people go through, some people figure out a way to handle it. They have a strong enough support system to keep going and keep moving forward. And some people, they feel like they don't have that outlet. But nothing makes one feel so strong as a call for help."**_

Collin squeezed her shoulder. He got up, and walked away. He left Olivia in thought.

Olivia's cell phone rang. She read the I.D.

_Cragen_.

She ignored the call and started to walk back.

"She won't pick up." Captain said to the others surrounding him.

"Do you really think she walked that far?" Amanda asked

"She doesn't answer her calls when it's her time." Brian said

"Time?"

"Alone time. She tends to walk to a distant place and think."

"Alright, the verdict will be announced sooner or later. We'll wait and see." Barba said

Meanwhile, Olivia passed by the outside vendors she'd passed blocks away from the courthouse. A yellow cab pulled up to the side.

"Need a ride?" The voice said

"Fine."

Olivia got into the passengers seat next to Collin. She'd might as well catch a ride if he'd offer it to her. Silence on the way. She didn't bother to tell him where to go, he'd known where to go. They stopped in front of the courthouse where she unlocked the door stepping out.

"Thank you. _For everything_." Olivia looked at him with sad eyes that were once happy.

_The only emotion Collin had seen over the course of meeting Olivia_.

Olivia walked up the courthouse steps where she walked in the hallway. She met with her squad who looked worried. They probably worried about her not answering the cell phone. Entering the courtroom where she locked eyes with Lewis again, she sat between Amaro and Brian. Captain, Fin, and Rollins squeezed with them in a booth. Barba stood for the judge to start again.

"Have we reached a verdict?" The judge asked

Lewis stood late, adding dramatic detail with his limp.

"Yes." An old woman who was of seventy years old at least.

"**On the charge of attempted murder, we find the defendant, NOT GUILTY**."

Olivia looked ahead. No emotion. Not yet.

"**On the charge of attempted rape, we find the defendant NOT GUILTY."**

At this point Olivia lifted from her seat only being held by Brian's hand. Lewis stared at Olivia. Smiling.

**"On the charge of sexual assault, we find the defendant GUILTY."**

**"On the charge of kidnap, we find the defendant GUILTY.**

**"On the charge of assault of a police officer, we find the defendant GUILTY."  
**  
"Defendant is remanded to Riker's, the state of New York and city of New City thanks the jury for its service."

_Wam_.

Olivia stood first. Barba hugged her. He'd done it. He'd promised her, and he kept the promise. Captain, Fin, Nick, Rollins, and Brian stood behind Olivia. They left first to give time. Brian stayed behind waiting. Olivia hugged Brian for what had seemed like the first time in ages. They exited the courtroom where they met with the squad.

"Glad he's gone for good." Cap said softly

"Let's go." Brian said

The squad including Brian and Olivia started walking. Each one of the squad members went home feeling a slight pain off their chest.

_ All except Olivia. _Olivia stared at herself in the mirror. Lewis had been put away for good now, but he hadn't been removed from her emotions, her memories, nor the permanent scars on her body. Her eyes watered through the make up free face she hadn't bothered to fool with the same morning. _Tears rushed down her face as she grabbed the towel bar for support._


	24. Chapter 24: Old habits

Chapter 24: _Old habits_

**NOTE**: I'm sorry for the delay of my update, I've been busy running my new svu_confessions account on instagram. Love you guys, Enjoy!

Sitting there in the office made her stomach weak.

_Olivia Benson,the new Sergeant appointed to the Manhattan SVU squad..._

_"Do something with the place." _

Cragen's words ran through her mind in a quick pace as she stared at the plaque that sat on her desk with "Sergeant Benson" engraved on it. Sitting in the "Captain's" desk was odd for her. For fifteen years she watched Cragen guide the squad through hard times and through the good times. Cragen helped her through the death of Serena, incidents with partners, Elliot, and now she had nobody to talk to. She missed Cragen's licorice bowl that usually stood on the bookshelf which was now empty. Lifting a genuinely heavy box on the cherry oak desk. The weight shifted on the desk.

The last time she touched a box to pack up things was Elliot's. Cragen had told her it wasn't a shrine. She shook the thought of Elliot out of her mind. Looking through the contents of the box, she realized she hadn't had much personal items.

_"I spent my entire life to NYPD, just make sure you dedicate some of the time yourself."_

He nudged her shoulder as she looked down.

_"If you need anything. You know what to do."_

That week Cragen had left. It was two weeks later. Everything was completely haywire. Amaro's ordeal with the shooting was still being processed. Brian had begun his work with the IAB.

_**He's never home anymore.**_

Continuing to unpack the box, she pulled out one picture she'd kept at the bottom of drawer in her old desk. She'd put the picture in her desk once she knew he wasn't coming back. She looked into the colored picture of her and Elliot hugging in what seemed like a bar.

_I could sure use a drink right now._ She thought.

***KNOCK***

The door to the main office opened where Olivia sat leaning on her elbows on the desk. She immediately left the trance looking up at the bright blonde detective.

"Olivia-"

"I mean Sergeant." Amanda said sarcastically trying to lighten the mood.

Olivia scoffed with a slight smirk.

"What do you need?" She said changing the subject

"I just wanted to tell you I have to go. It's a family thing."

Olivia thought how could she have family when their in Georgia. She didn't care right now, as much as Olivia wanted to go home now, she said yes to Rollins.

"Sure, go ahead. See you in the morning."

Rollins exited.

Amanda walked out of the precinct making her way over the closest casino. Sitting down in the seat for black jack, she took a pack of cigs out of pocket. She brushed her hair through with her fingers.

At the precinct Olivia locked the door the the office that was now hers. She sighed as she turned around running straight into Fin's chest.

"Where you going?" He asked softly looking into her eyes

Olivia tried to avoid his eyes but she had to make him believe it.

"I'm going home early, I have some things to do to prep for the ceremony next week."

"Alright. Cya." He said

Fin saw the awkward glaze over her eyes. She had been thinking at some point. He let her be as he sank back into his chair on his desk. Amaro and Fin were left to their own minds as Rollins and Olivia were out.

Olivia made her way walking down to Bamonte's . She pushed the door open being greeted by the owner who knew her and the squad.

"Hey Greg." She said pulling up a stool to the front bar area.

"Congratulations Sergeant."

Olivia smirked a bit.

"Usual?" He asked

"No. I'll have a Guinness"

Olivia didn't recognize any of the people in the bar area. She was glad. She didn't want anybody to see. Her phone rang.

**_Brian_**. Showed up on the caller ID.

Tapping ignore on it was all she could do to keep her world quite for now.

Besides, Brian hadn't been there for a couple of days, now he decided to call. She would call him later. A black and gold colored Guinness beer bottle showed up in front of her without her noticing. She took a chug of it. The dry stout flavor hit her nicely. She enjoyed the dark beer. Looking around, she asked Greg for another. It got to the point of several beer bottles piling in a row in front of her.

"Olivia."

"Don't. Just get me another"

Olivia knew Greg cared about one of the city's best detectives, and he didn't want to see her get drunk, especially in the state of mind she was in. He obeyed, because he didn't want to make her feel worse. He felt guilty though.

Greg watched her from the back kitchen, he saw her eyes star into a corner where no one sat. She blinked back tears. He turned to the kitchen chef, having to tend to some complaint at a table. Ten minutes later after leaving Olivia at the bar, he noticed a crowd around the area where she had sat. Greg made his way to her area, clearing people away from her.

"What's going on here?" He asked a random man that sat next to her on a stool while others cleared away

"She started falling over and she said things."

Greg sighed under his breath. He hadn't seen Olivia this distraught.

At the precinct, Brian walked in calling for Fin and Amaro.

"What's up Brian."

"It's Liv, she hasn't answered my past four phone calls."

"Maybe she just doesn't want to talk to you after leaving her unexpected for IAB." Amaro retorted

"_Excuse me, it's my damn job now_!" Brian responded with his voice rising

"Woah guys, calm down, I'll just track her phone" Fin said getting between them as he led them to the tracking device where the monitors were

The monitor loaded.

"She's at Bamonte's." Fin stated

"Did she take the squad car?" Brian asked

Amaro looked out the window, still seeing the brown sudan still parked in the designated spot.

"No." Amaro said

"I'm going down there." Brian said

Fin held him back.

"You really think she wants to see you after not telling her where you've been?"

"I need to know." He said pushing past him

Amaro and Fin followed him.

Pulling up the block, Brian, Amaro, and Fin noticed familiar flashing lights. They walked up where they noticed policemen arresting three men. Greg came out and greeted them unexpected to see them. He smiled saying hi.

"Have you seen Olivia?"

Greg's facial expression completely changed. Bells went off in each of their heads wondering what the hell happened to Olivia. Greg didn't budge he just looked at them. They all went in suddenly flashing pictures of Olivia around.

"Have you seen this woman?"

"No" was all people could answer

Fin walked around looking through doors. Amaro looked at the kitchen while Brian looked in the restaurant area of Bamonte's. Fin came of a halt hearing noises that were Olivia's through the bathroom door at the end of a hallway. Amaro and Brian followed.

"Olivia?" Fin asked at the door

silence.

"It's Fin."

"Just come in. Only you."

Fin opened the door seeing Olivia emerge from a stall where her eyes were bloodshot and her hair completely messy. Amaro and Brian stayed outside the door to the bathroom. They over heard. Olivia hadn't wanted this to spill..

"Olivia, how many drinks did you have?"

She looked down.


End file.
